This is an open door invitation you. For those of you who are curious about what happens behind my pink doors , step inside and get a sense of what troubles people. Be a fly on the wall as I share with you some of the more common concerns that people circa 2017 have. Issues that are so painful , confusing, tormenting that drive them to be brave enough to step inside the intimate space of a therapy room and talk to a total stranger- me.
- Low sexual desire tops the polls in popularity and emotional sexual pain. Unless there is a medical illness such as diabetes, cancer treatment, menopause, medication, depression , loss of sexual interest is about relationship issues. It may be the disassociation from the relationship with your own body or the disassociation from a partner /s. Abuse, infidelity, guilt , distrust and a loss of attraction just is not sexy for women. The solution is difficult – couple therapy.
- Pre orgasmia . 30% of women are still not getting how to have orgasms . They and partners continue to thrust, pound inside her vagina and hope she will eventually have an orgasm and that he will be able to delay his ejaculation long enough for this to happen. The solution is education for both and a great vibrator !
- Pain . 33% of women experience sexual pain , and 34% of these women never tell a partner nor health care provider . Vaginismus is common amongst young women who hold traditional views around sexuality and just cannot have penetration at all. Many other women have pain due to medication, such as the oral contraceptive, and due to emotional pain their vagina’s simply shut down . The solution is a multi disciplinary approach , including a pelvic floor therapist and a sexual therapist for both people.
- Erectile dysfunction . 45% of men over 45 years old have ED. I take this seriously as it may well be an indication of another disease such as diabetes, cardio vascular disease or depression. Once the man has a clean bill of health , I dig into his heart to look for obstacles . Usually this man has developed a performance anxiety . He really wants to impress his partner and anxiety gets in the way of his arousal . The solution for men with clinical ED is an oral medication and therapy. for the rest, its great therapy to work through masculinity and anxiety
- Early ejaculation. Everyman wants to delay his ejaculation , to last longer and enjoy the sensation of orgasm . Especially if he and his female partner believe she will become orgasmic with ongoing thrusting . The solution is education and therapy around anxiety and learning how to delay.
RELATIONSHIP & CONNECTION CONUNDRUMS.
Ok I got through the sex stuff pretty quickly. It is merely a distraction, a decoy from the real concerns people have. The sex stuff is a symptom of emotional stuff that hurt people so badly. And when the sexual symptoms are there, it at least is so disturbing that it drives people into therapy. However once the emotional stuff is processed the sex stuff disappears organically. Truth is I work with trauma . Im called a Sex Therapist. In truth there is nothing sexy about what I do. I work with people’s pain , which is why Im now training in trauma work.
Come into heartbreak hotel with me, my therapy room :
- Infidelity. in Real Life and Cyber Infidelity is painful and causes suffering . People feel pain on their bodies and suffer. It takes forever to heal, to progress through the trauma. The solution is to endure difficult hours of therapy . Therapy that addresses the crisis and then gets you to reconsider your relationship contract and values.
- Developmental Trauma Disorder. Adults come to me because they act in an out of control manner with drugs, sex, alcohol, road rage, anger, anxiety or depression . And it all is rooted in early childhood abandonment, neglect and abuse. Lovely hours of therapy rewire the brain through getting people to dance, move, sing, and regulate their emotions.
- Gender variance. Challenging hours are spent allowing people to gain integration with their bodies and their felt sense of gender
- Sexual orientation is so fluid that people need the safety of a therapy room to accept their fluidity without boxing themselves in
- Contemporary Intimacies . My favourite conversations as people break out of traditional expectations of relationships and then have to create their own boundaries and agreements. Polyamory, open relationships, hook ups, dating , swinging, all forms of consensual and non consensual hetero normative monogamies get played out here .
- Abuse of women and men . The inability to regulate emotions cause the most horrific emotional and physical pain. Trauma work helps as does teaching couples how to manage conflict in health ways.
- Fetishes. Now considered non pathological, fetishes cause relationship challenges that need therapy.
- Relationship conundrums. In an age of social media , fatigue, porn, and longevity people loose attraction , worry about money and careers and children. Expectations of relationships have changed so radically , availability of greener pastures at the swipe of a finger, leave people discontented and wanting more. yet more comes with complications and still does not provide relief from the need to scratch an itch. Therapy provides a space to sift through reality, magical thinking and redress ones true values.
I encourage you to step into a therapy room. Find yourself an affirmative therapist, one who will not judge you. Spend your time and money listening to yourself in a safe therapy space.Once you courageously step into a therapy room , you’re half way there . Now buckle down , endure the discomfort and be present for the ride of your life:)