In “A Billion Wicked Thoughts” Ogi Ogas taught me that more women read romance online than men watch porn. I was aghast and did some of my own research and found that all kinds of women , even smart women are reading romance. I began to search for and read  romance novels.

Venturing into romance books is not merely good business sense. After all I am a therapist first and foremost. Couples consult me as  women commonly lack sexual desire. Fantasies are limited in women. Their sexual imaginations are not fed. They need fantasies to feel sexual and aroused. Romance novels and women’s porn can educate , entertain and arouse women – and their partners. I want women aroused and making  sexual choices based on self knowledge and wide open information . The old fashioned in-out is romantic for just so long before she cheats for excitement that she feels too scared to explore alone. I want women to explore alone.

My first romance book I read as a teen was “Peyton Place” by Grace Metalious. It was banned in good old Apartheid South Africa but my father brought in a copy together with his monthly Playboy magazines.  It was deeply darkly sexy. I began to see my own small town as a Peyton Place as I gazed at the  open secret affairs adults were engaging in.  I was soon reading Harold Robbins and thankfully had the good guidance of my parents to know that this was constructed fantasy aimed at men , not reflective of women’s sexual pleasures. I clearly remember one passage describing a man’s penis thrusting so deep into a woman that  it  came  out of her mouth. And she begged for more and deeper.

Im not saying women do not enjoy deep penetration but hell does this mean every lover has to have that length penis??

As I grew older I was distracted reading the classics , including D.H.Lawrence’s Lady Chatterly’s Lover  and my favourite of all  Fanny Hill by John Cleland  and grew fast tired of book club in which women chose badly written  chic lit just to access some  sexy scenes.

Suddenly I am thrown into modern day romance and sex. First call to order in romance to the Dr Eve store was iconic Mills and Boon. Geez they have a handle on women’s fantasies all right:) Categories vary from modern romance to medical to mystery to historical. There is a really great selection of Afrikaans Mills and Boon  now in store.

And then I called up another icon of romance and sex: Black Lace. Aah, its keeping me awake at night. I bought in 7 titles into the store. I do wish the industry would get over “Fifty shades” and stop capitalising on the bondage theme. Let’s stretch women differently please.

And so it is I am stretching you to read these books- unashamedly. Buy up the titles and bring them into your book clubs . Enjoy the tingling thrills and be courageous enough to insert your sexy thoughts between your own sheets.

Sign up now for my newsletter as plenty of romance and sex fun coming your way!

Masturbation is the first and most popular form of sexual behaviour boys and girls experience.  Reaching down and touching one’s own genitals is as natural and instinctive as exploring one’s toes, nose or fingernails. We just do it. Genital exploration is simply more pleasurable. Hence the desire to repeat this behaviour. Again and again.

Welcome to Masturbation Month. A month in which I plan to bring you facts, fiction, stories , sex toys and forums  to talk about masturbation. Consider your own masturbation story as you read on..

Sexism  and negative rigid sexual messages often begin with parental response to masturbation: perfectly “natural” for boy children, perfectly slutty for girl children. Girls soon learn this touching of genitals may lead her to a life of wantonness and a spoiled reputation. Many girls continue to masturbate all their lives despite this message. too many others never go “down there” again. Mores the pity.

Boys relish in their own semen, jacking off in each other’s  company, playing shooting games,  really taking pride in their penises. They know how to orgasm, may wish for larger, longer penises but each male can describe his penis is detail.. to the last millimetre.

Why the fuss around masturbation? Well , you know why… perhaps there is a small part of you that continues to believe you will go blind, get warts on your palms, or be dammed for sinning. Or maybe you really believe girls have no need to play solo. And I know many of you think you do it too often . And too many  of you are doing it rather than having partner sex.

Myths and truths need to be understood so you can safely and pleasurably enjoy masturbation alone and with a partner. Research tells us masturbation has health benefits. Clinically I know that women who masturbate to orgasm are more likely to be orgasmic with a partner. It gives her power and confidence to get what she deserves and to educate a partner to make it happen for her. I also know that women who do not orgasm are less motivated to have sex.

I like that women  first learn to masturbate on their own volition. Makes it easier when with a partner. Once achieved there is a world of sex toys wide open to her. Follow me on twitter, subscribe to my newsletter for mailers and be kept in the loop of sex toys in my store. I promise you a fun, educational, sexy Masturbation Month!

 It’s known as Compulsive Impulsive Sexual and Relationship Disorders in Women. It’s different from being infatuated , from having a crush or from wanting  a lot of sex often. Its about women needing love and sex to feel whole, to feel well. It can result in devastating consequences. 

I remember reading Women who Love to Much by Robin Norwood. I instantly felt like one of those women: without boundaries, over giving to my partner, neglectful of my own relationship needs. Seriously over investing in what was a dissatisfying relationship. Like most women, i too believed that was my role as a wife. I was 20 something. I outgrew this behaviour.

Many women love too much in a deeply pathological manner. Compulsive Obsessive Sexual and Relationship Disorders make life unmanageable, can ruin your reputation, marriage and urge you into high risk behaviour, especially if it is associated with alcohol/drugs. This is not your fault. Merely an outcome of a bruised chiidhood filled with abuse,neglect, trauma which became sexualised for you. Now when you feel that anxious empty hole , you seek out sex and love rather than a healthy walk, run, chat with  a friend, or a real attachment to a real kind person.

Tick off what applies to you . In a significant life pattern of behaviour. Be sure to get professional counselling. There is support and assistance to release you from this trap of pain and powerlessness .

* You fall in love very easily and too quickly.

• When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.
• Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
• When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.
• More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.
• Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.
• When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.
• Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.

Ask yourself : 

1. Do you feel that your life is becoming or is unmanageable because of your sexual and/or romantic behavior or your excessive dependency needs?

2. Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

3. Do you feel that you don’t want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities? Do you feel you need to hide these activities from others – friends, family, co-workers, counselors, etc.?

4. Do you get “high” from sex and/or romance and then crash when the act or experience is over?

5.  Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

6. Do you make promises to yourself or rules for yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

7. Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don’t (didn’t) want to have sex with?

8. Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

9. Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

10. Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

11. Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

12. Do you feel like a lifeless puppet unless there is someone around with whom you can flirt? Do you feel that you’re not “really alive” unless you are with your sexual/romantic partner?

13. Have you ever threatened your financial stability, career or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?

14. Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?

15. Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex? Do you feel that you would have no identity if you were not someone’s lover?

16. Do you find yourself flirting with or sexualizing someone even if that was not your intention?

17. Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

18. Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?

19. Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

20. Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?

Send me your stories of love and sex obsessive and impulsive behaviour.

No one likes talking about rape. Its  also difficult to hear rape talk. I was  given the honour of being the guest speaker at the opening of Pfizer Anti-infectives Forum. The room was filled with specialist physicians who work daily with trauma of such high gravity. They listened intently as I presented facts on rape focusing specifically on the health burden rape brings to our country.

And then there was a deafening silence .I walked off the podium dazed by this silence. I thought about it. Actually what can one say to facts that feel like bullets being pumped into one’s body? Silence was the strongest message of horror they could send.

I bring you some of these facts. Arm yourself , keep reading , so you will be compelled to make changes in your life that prevents rape from happening. And Ill give you ideas for change.

• +70% of women experience physical or sexual violence from men in  lifetime – the majority by husbands, intimate partners or someone they know.
• Among women aged between 15 and 44, acts of violence cause more death and disability than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents and war combined.
• South Africa = a woman is killed every 6 hours by an intimate partner.
•  

  1 in 4 women experience physical and/or sexual violence during pregnancy which increases the  likelihood of miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion .

•  

  Up to 53 percent of women physically abused by their intimate partners   are kicked or punched in the abdomen.

• SOUTH AFRICA :  28% of adult men perpetrated a completed act of rape (Jewkes, Sikweyiya et al. 2011
• USA and South Africa + 75% of men who rape do so for the first time as teenagers (White and Smith 2004; Jewkes, Sikweyiya et al. 2011).
• Women suffer violent deaths either homicide/ suicide, maternal causes and AIDS.
•  Morbidity from multiple mental, physical, sexual and reproductive health outcomes
•  Risk factors for poor health, such as alcohol and drug use, smoking and unsafe sex
•  Violence during pregnancy  leads to  increased risk of miscarriage, premature delivery and low birth weight.
• Some ideas on what you can do to stoprape now :
• Stop making rape a women’s issue- its everyone’s issue
• Be a bystander activist so when anyone makes a sexist joke you stop them
• Teach your children gender respect and equity
• Insist gender is taught in schools life skills curriculum
• Get out of abusive relationships – boys learn to be rapist primarily from being victims of abuse and witnessing sexual violence in their homes
• Tell me what you are doing as an individual, a family , a community to stop rape now.

Ive probably heard a billion wicked thoughts in my career. Reading Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam’s book “A billion wicked thoughts”  I got a billion new ways of thinking about sexual desire, sexual behaviour and the differences between men and women’s sexual brains.

Im intrigued by the possibilities  of intimate relating the Internet offers.  Ogas and Gaddam have cracked open this public space and given us facts that are so outstanding I laughed out loud and held my breath in amazement.

For example did you know that the most searched category is “youth”.. no surprise right. But did you know that  there is a well defined interest in GILF (Granny Id like to Fuck) ?? Did you know for every search for a “skinny” girl there are almost three searches for a “fat” girl? Throw away your diet, get healthy and comfortable with being a busty, large butted lady as this is the image your man watches online. 

Facts about  Romance novels captured my imagination . Like millions of women around the world, I began my  teen erotic life reading romance novels. But I moved onto more intellectual literature and “50 Shades ” deterred me going back into that genre. Now I want romance on my site. I want to offer you opportunity to read romance and then discuss this in  forums on my site.   Look at the numbers:

• Romance fiction generated $1.37 billion in sales in 2008
• Romance genre has single largest share of fiction market
• More people buy romances than detective novels, thrillers, science fiction, science nonfiction
• At least 74.8 million people read a romance novel in 2008
• More than 90% are women
• Put this  into  perspective:
• More than 100 million men in US and Canada accessed porn online in 2008 – just slightly more than the number of romance readers.
• Women don’t pay for porn- they happily pay for romance
• Online porn generated less revenue in 2008 than romance publishing
• And the most popular genre of romance are paranormal . Seems women love the alpha alpha male portrayed by the vampire and werewolf.

Men love porn. Reading this book made me at peace with this fact. It is a fact. Men automatically instinctively seek out or respond to visual images of breasts, butts, feet and faces and .. wait for it..  other men’s penises. Yes straight men  search online to see these images. I would want men to be respectful in their viewing of  porn and to keep some rationality about it.

I think there should be a trade off: read him romance so he gets to see what you desire and you watch porn with him to get what he desires.Im waiting for new Candida Royalle adult DVD titles to arrive in store. They are a perfect combination of romance and erotic sexy visuals.

Both men and women need to be integrating these facts into their relationships. He wants you to be more sexually responsive. According to Ogas and Saddam’s work,  a  man’s strong sexual cue is seeing his woman showing visibly, audibly, pleasure in her sexual experience with him. And a woman’s strong sexual cue is to feel adored by him.. special, and uniquely adored to any other woman. She wants him to be the hero – tall, strong, rich and preferably a vampire-  and he wants her to love his sexual touch- preferably enjoy his cum on her face.

Get real with yourself. I think it is your responsibility  to  own what your sexual cues are. Share them with your partner and see if you can healthily integrate them into your sexual relationship. You’re doing it a billion times online.

Tell me what your sexual cues are…

I speak about menopause a lot. I began doing this in seriousness after I had my first hot flash. As a professional trained in Sexual Medicine and hence informed about menopause, I felt confused, anxious and had a desperate thirst for factual information. Yes I know  cognitive confusion and  anxiety are symptoms of menopause but I really did feel lost. I wrote a book called Ageing and Sexuality as my way to gather scientific information and share with other people.

There is havoc concerning facts on menopause. I am delighted to bring you an event that will inform and entertain you, provide you with scientific information and opportunity to talk to professionals in the menopause field , about your menopause.

Hot Flash Havoc is an internationally produced movie , featuring today’s leaders in the field of Sexual Medicine and Menopause. Its funny, captivating , and most of all informative. I am proud to bring you Hot Flash Havoc events at the Sexual Health Centre, Cape Town and in major cities throughout South Africa. Contact me for further information and to sign up for the next Hot Flash Havoc event.

In addition you can view Hot Flash Havoc in your own private time. Click on the banner on my site , rent the DVD and learn in the comfort of your own home.

Havoc around menopause began with a study conducted by the 2012 Women’s Health Initiative. The study showed increase in breast cancer and heart attacks as well as increase risk for strokes in women on Hormone Therapy. Around the world women were taken off hormone therapy .. and Hot Flash Havoc ensued. their symptoms remained , no hormones were available and a definite deterioration in quality of life, including sexual life, followed.

Years later, and after  much scrutinizing of the 2002 WHI research, hormones are once again deemed to be the management choice of menopausal symptoms. All the international menopause societies, including the South African Menopausal Society , have excellent guidelines on managing menopause.

Hormones serve many benefits in women who are good candidates. To know if you are a good candidate it is essential that you consult a gynecologist who will consider your family history, your own medical history and discuss the benefits versus risks for you.

In conjunction with the Hot Flash Havoc events I have created the Vaginal Renewal Program, which offers women non hormonal products to bring them vaginal health and relief as they flow into menopause.

As a woman or partner of a woman, become knowledged about the world of menopause and enjoy years of sexual pleasure and comfort with the professional scientific advice I offer you via Hot Flash Havoc. Go rent it now!

I am not a  recreational consumer of pornography. I  prefer watching opera. Seems to excite me  more. I watch porn for clinical purposes.  As a clinical responsibility to further understand my clients sexuality  I watch what they watch be they children or adults. I also keep in touch with porn trends. For example when I learned that www.livejasmine.com is the single most popular adult site in the world, a web com site which gets around 32 million visitors a month or almost 2.5% of all internet use, well I had to go peek..

I am however a defender of human rights, especially sexual health and reproductive rights.

On 14 March 2013 I set out well prepared to give evidence before ICASA on whether or not TopTV should be permitted channels to air adult content. Since the time of TopTV’s last submission, February 2012,  I had worked conscientiously gathering  scientific facts to back my cause: that indeed the viewing of consensual non violent adult content  within a protected television pin controlled environment will not contribute towards violence, rape or harm to women and children.

Well in advance the public has a right to request submission of evidence so I knew who I was up against: the usual forces who hold the higher ground of virtue and morality in our country, namely any  organizations with the words “family” and “religious” in them. For hour after hour I absorbed the “evidence” of people, people passionate about their cause as I am about mine. Pity all of  our passion cannot be bottled and sold and the proceeds used  for a better cause like training police officers in how to treat human beings as humans.

By the time the last opposition speaker got up to present her case I admit to being frazzled. I mean there is just so much talk on the evils of sex one can tolerate , so much incorrect interpretation of facts, so much skewing of evidence.  I understood their attempt to prove that showing porn to adults will lead all women to be degraded, men to become rapists, addicted to porn forever to point of utter destruction of society.   Mrs Britz, from WoomaNetRadio Free Society Institute, pushed me over the edge.

She presented in her capacity as a rape survivor and opposer of porn and director of a “green ” family center healing people wounded by porn, sex , rape. (what?!)  I listened to her story of her rape and I bristled. I am a survivor of sexual violence so I bristle many times a day , listening to other men and women’s stories of their violations. As all survivors, I have  learnt how to manage my moments of  bristles and move on.

But I could not move on..

Mrs Britz constructed her emotive case on comparison of rape with porn. She contended had anyone been a witness to her rape it would have appeared consensual sex as she did not protest, fight back or scream , having a young child in the house. I got that. But when she said all  porn looks consensual but is actually rape, I lost it. I quivered and shook. She continued for many many minutes thereafter along the same vein of constructed religious and family purity morality. This is so highly destructive to women and deeply insulting to men. In her attempt to fight for women she was burying them. In her portrayal of them as helpless, victims of sex crazy men – all caused by pornography.

I called my team together and told them about my compelling need to disclose myself as a survivor of sexual violence. I did not want our purpose to be distracted by my need. I did not want attention to be diverted and turned into a sensational Dr Eve was Raped story. I believed I needed to counter Mrs Britz’s story with another story of sexual violence. Each story is so utterly unique.  I needed the commissioners of Icasa to hear another story. Just like the effect of porn on men: each story of rape is so unique. I learned  a lot from Ogi Ogas and his book “A Billion wicked thoughts”.

And so it was that I made a one sentence addition to my evidence. I disclosed that I am a victim of sexual violence. 11 years ago it was “sexual violence” as I was “lucky” enough not to be penetrated by a penis. By todays new definition, I guess I was raped. Unlike Mrs Britz, I do not believe my perpetrator violated me due to his consumption of porn.. I admittedly did not ask him about his porn habits. It felt violent, coming from a man who was powerless,  and saw my powerlessness  as a source of  his own power. There was an atmosphere of fear, threat, violence not sex.

I refuse to accept that adult non violent porn is the source of sexual violence . Its too simplistic an argument.

I feel concerned about  the use of porn.  very concerned. I feel concerned that in every child’s hands there is a sexual education happening. Because parents, religious leaders and schools are not sexually educating kids their mobiles are. Which means porn is their primary educator. Porn is there to arouse. Children need to know how to manage their arousal. Children need to learn about love and kindness , respect towards women and men and how sexuality can be utter bliss when conducted responsibly. And have severe consequences when done impulsively and drunkenly.

I thank you for support, confusion, anger and attention given to my disclosure. Use this bit of sensation to talk to your kids about sex- I will feel it has been worth going through this disclosure.

I was intrigued when I first read Susan Sontag’s book Illness as Metaphor. She wrote it when she was suffering from cancer. That’s how life works, you think about it when you are forced to, leaving you unprepared to face life fully prepared.  I ask you to think about cancer even if you are cancer free. I ask you to have an opinion about cancer , even if you don’t want to think about cancer. Thinking about cancer makes us feel vulnerable and afraid.

Consider the language we use around cancer: its language of war. We are encouraged to “fight” the “enemy” , that our bodies are “invaded” by “foreign” bodies. We are encouraged to be “brave” . I think we need to be brave to face everyday, since everyday is unknown. Imagine how pressurizing it is for a person with cancer to believe they have to “fight” to live, to be “brave”. What happens is that we are afraid to seek out health care in case we discover we have cancer. Which of course leaves us vulnerable to discovering cancer at a late stage.

I know men who are afraid of getting a prostate exam done.I don’t blame them as many men fear any penetration of their anus.. Its supposed to be a gay thing , right? Wrong. Especially when one considers how common prostate cancer is. It is the most common cancer in men – across the world. And so treatable if discovered early.

I have delayed my annual mammogram. I do monthly breast self examination, do annual pap smear which includes a breast examination. I have no risk factors for breast cancer. Besides being a woman. This immediately places me and every woman on earth at risk.  But the mammogram looms like a dark cloud from which a frightening truth may emerge. Is it because of this war like language as I really feel in no mood to take on a war and be a brave soldier – who wears a pink ribbon.

I wonder if we were more honest about cancer if it would make it more palatable for us ?  If we were to spread the signs  of different cancers all the time, rather than the pink ribbons. I want it to be more palatable as we would then be inclined to seek out health care at the earliest signs of illness.

Sontag shows how the metaphors and myths surrounding certain illnesses, especially cancer, add greatly to the suffering of patients and often inhibit them from seeking proper treatment. By demystifying the fantasies surrounding cancer, Sontag shows cancer for what it is–just a disease. Cancer, she argues, is not a curse, not a punishment, certainly not an embarrassment and, it is highly curable, if good treatment is followed.

This is sensible advice. 4th February is World Cancer Day. I ask you to set aside your armor, your weapons and words of denial and feelings of fear. Take note of any physical symptoms you have right now. From erectile failure to blood in your stools, from sun spots  that have changed to a lump in your testicles,  get them attended to. By a specialist.

Do you think the language of  cancer alters your health seeking behavior? I welcome your thoughts.