Perhaps you think you have  a sexual dysfunction.

That's the main reason people consult with me. They get pretty mad when the work becomes about the relationship. Commonly couples sit on my therapy couch as their relationship is in the doldrums.Sexual difficulties are usually the result of relationship doldrums.

Ask yourself: did you choose your partner for other reasons other than passion? Problem with this is that the longer one is in a relationship the more the passion dies.So if passion did not form a firm foundation for you then you will find yourself in relationship doldrums pretty soon into marriage/relaitonship.

Did you choose  a partner for passion? Aha another kind of doldrums awaits you: deadbrain , lack of companionship syndrome.

Herewith a quickie guide to get you out of relationship doldrums: Add your own thoughts to each sub heading and share with a partner for optimal results.

Notice and Appreciate: complacency is a passion killer

I use the 3 A’s formula: appreciate, acknowledge, admire. Use technology to do this so relationship does not feel like hard work at the end of the day. So easy to do this via text , e mail, skype, facebook etc- whatever your technical drug of choice is

Be healthy: check that there aren't any medical issues which could be

interfering with your sex life. That includes knowing your HIV/STI status. Of course  regular exercise, regular sex, regular eating.

Vitally important: each person in a relationship has an obligation to be healthy: illness impacts on the other person and  poor life style causes resentment such as excessive drinking, smoking , high body mass index. Resentment causes low sexual interest in both men and women.

Know how you each feel:

Mind mapping is an essential automatic part of relating. Hone in on your mind mapping skills so you get to know what your partner is thinking. Follow your mind mapping with discussion so you really knwo if you are gettign each other or not.

Each person in relationship has a commitment to know one's own sexuality- likes and dislikes. As these change over time, one needs to be in the loop with one’s own self sexually. Otherwise true doldrum sets in.

Exposure to erotic material, interesting conversations about sexuality, exploring on internet  great sites give people an idea what they want individually - and then the responsibility is to share with partner.

Seduce

Seduction can only happen when the relationship feels great. And again each person has a responsibility to seduce the other- no standing back waiting for the other to initiate. It takes courage and confidence to do this. Take the risk and do it – it links in with people needing to feel the 2 A’s.. as well as lusted after by their own partner. 

Go shopping - for some adult stuff

Any new shared experience makes a couple feel close and connected. So doing something daring such as shopping for sex toys  is part of the turn on process. When a couple push boundaries, such as buying unusual sex toys/using different sex toys, there is a sense of sharing  a secret which enhances their intimacy.

Get enough sleep

Allowing each other time alone- to sleep or talk on phone to friends, go for a run, hang out with friends, dance whatever , will give each person more willingness to share their bodies with each other. If there is a deprivation of self, resentment grows – which is a killer of sexual desire.

And take your time - nothing happens quickly..

Time is the most precious commodity today – porn provides people opportunity for quick sex so people are loosing the willingness to take time for sexual play- this in turn leads to relationship break down.

In summary, if you are healthy, have time out for yourself, process relationship stuff when it arises , invest in your own sexual, intellectual and emotional development, then  you will be  willing to take your precious time and spend it rescuing  your own relationship from the doldrums.

If you have more suggestions  on getting out the doldrums , send them to me.