Welcome to the Marriage Lab. John Gottmanhas created a science out of predicting which marriages will survive and which will end in divorce. How do you rate your marriage?
GOTTMAN’S 4 HOESEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE:
Gottman's theory states that there are four major emotional reactions that are destructive and thus are the 4 predictors to a divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. If these are present 5 times out of every 5 transactions consider you are high risk for divorce. Among these four, Gottman considers contempt the most important of them all.
Learn Gottman's theories then rate yourself.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Although many of us believe that anger is the root cause of unhappy relationships, Gottman notes that it is not conflict itself that is the problem, but how we handle it. Venting anger constructively can actually do wonders to clear the air and get a relationship back in balance. However, conflict does become a problem when it is characterized by the presence of what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:” criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
1. Criticism. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You’re just so irresponsible.” In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict.
2. Contempt. Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”
3. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship. When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.
4. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.
All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.
As Gottman has made clear, with work and an investment in overcoming these challenges marriage can improve and become successful. If left unattended divorce is often inevitable.
GOTTMAN’S 7 PRINCIPLES FOR POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGE:
He has outlined seven principles that will reinforce the positive aspects of a relationship and help marriages endure during the rough moments.
1. Enhance Your Love Maps. Gottman defines a love map as the place in your brain where you store information pertaining to your partner. This is crucial in really knowing your partner, their dreams, hopes, interests, and maintaining their interest throughout the relationship.
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. This means laying down a positive view about your spouse, respecting and appreciating their differences.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Acknowledging your partner's small moments in life and orienting yourself towards them will maintain that necessary connection that is vital for the relationship.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You. It is important to maintain your own identity in a relationship, but it is equally important to yield to your partner and give in. If both partners allow one another this influence, then they will learn to respect one another on a deeper level.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems. It is important to compromise on issues that can be resolved, which Gottman believes can be accomplished by these five steps: soften your startup, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, and be tolerant of each other’s faults.
6. Overcome Gridlock. Major issues that cannot be resolved because both partners’ views are so fundamentally different involves understanding of the other person and deep communication. The goal is to at least get to a position that allows the other person to empathize with the partner's view, even if a compromise cannot be reached.
7. Create Shared Meaning. Create a shared value system that continually connects the partners through rituals/traditions, shared roles and symbols.
STRATEGIES:
Have “soft start-up”. When initiating a conversation about something that may escalate, make sure you start off your conversation off on the right foot. Many couples are so annoyed or angry by the time they address an issue with their partner, they launch right into a list of criticisms without giving their partner the benefit of the doubt. Instead, begin your conversation off as calmly and respectfully as possible.
Bring up issues immediately. Don’t let them fester. Many couples hope that whatever is bothering them will go away if they just give it time. But the opposite usually happens. Small annoyances turn into major issues. So the next time you realize something is on your mind (even if you think it’s something small), open the lines of communication with your partner as soon as possible.
No stonewalling. In a lot of relationships, one partner likes to talk more than the other. So when big issues come up, the partner who isn’t so keen on talking may be tempted to walk away from the conversation rather than get embroiled in a big fight. But that just makes your partner feel like their feelings and their concerns aren’t valued. Instead, make an effort to sit down and talk about the issue as long as the discussion is rational and productive. If things get heated, then tell your partner that you need a breather and you’d like to come back to the conversation at a later time (just make sure you set a specific time!).
Come in for therapy if you feel you are at risk: 021-439-4004
