My work takes me into may interesting and varied places. Today it was interviewing one of the grooms in the Heartfm radio reality show. What do you say to a man who has chosen to enter a competition in which he was selected by listeners as a groom to marry a man he will only meet in person on the day they marry? I said he has the same chance of success as love marriages ..

He was quite taken aback when I asked him what he thought about divorce. He went into the usual places of marriage is hard work, one has to do the work and not just walk away. And he is no different to most people- research shows that people continue to beleive in marriage , in fact increasingly this value remains high on people's list of values they treasure. Yet they cheat, do not give attention to their marriages and do not go ito therapy to do the work all marriages need. Why the discrepancy I wonder? Why do we not cherish what we beleive in so faithfully?

And then tonight I went to Kingdom of Hearts (www.kingdomofhearts.co.za) event. Kate Shuttleworth, the queen of this Kingdom of matchmaking, is  a classy woman who always puts together a classy event. I observed  people , spoke to a number of women (always an abundance of women- do you think we can get a politician to move some men to Cape Town as we have an "overabundance" of women here?? Surely this disparity is unconstitutional??)

The common features in the to-be-married, the couples I see who are married and the wanna -be- married singles is anxiety and fear. The to-be-married fear what they know and what they do not yet know, the marrieds fear detaching and simultaneously fear remaining attached and the singles fear lonliness and rejection.

Suggestions on overcoming  these marital fears:

1. Have high expectations of yourself so you get to choose the partner you want- not stand around and wait to be selected

2. Once you have the partner in tow, devote all your energy to finding out who she/he is . Most importantly monitor how you feel with this person. Check levels of discomfort and dis-ease and if they high earthquake measures, walk away befoe you walk down the aisle. For sure it will get worse when married..

3. Now you are married , be married. This means being a friend, a sex buddy, a lover, a companion to one person. Be off internet porn and on top of your partner.

4. As soon as you feel the fear rising, talk to it and if you two get stuck, go for counselling.

5. Divorce is an option - even if he does not beat you up, even if she is not verbally abusive to you. It is a way better pain to have than cheating..

And if the sex is really dissatisfying to you, sex toys are better than a lover or divorce.

Im liking Natural Contours BON BON - check it out in the shop.

Listen in to the Dr. Eve Show on www.heart104.9fm and www.gagasi.co.za - we are opening up the lines to take your confessions about sex workers. A guest from SWEAT will be in the studio , all this linked to Human Rights Day this week. Sex Workers have rights too.

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