My husband and I have been together for 6 years. When I met him I was on the rebound as my boyfriend left me to work in the UK. For the first few months sexual intercourse was not a problem for me. I would easily become aroused and enjoy sex, even though I have never had an orgasm. Yes, I am 32 years old and still have not experienced an orgasm.
Sex was great with my ex-boyfriend and I never had problems with dryness or pain. However, within the first year of my husband and I being together, these problems started to crop up. After 6 years I cannot handle painful sex and lack of enjoyment. My husband has threatened me with divorce, so I grin and bare the pain, but it is now affecting me emotionally and I cannot go on like this. I do not have a hormonal imbalance (did a whole battery of blood tests), I have tried gels that supposedly stimulate the clitoris, but these have not worked.
I told my husband that I am no longer physically attracted to him. It took a while to reveal this to him as I didn’t want to bruise his ego. However, it’s not as if I am admiring other men. I just don’t have the desire for sex anymore. I sometimes think of how wonderful I felt with my ex-boyfriend, but these thoughts are just destructive. My husband refuses to go for marital counselling as he feels the problem is with me and it is for me to sort this out.
I am at the crossroads now. Divorce or saving my marriage? Please offer some advice.
Dr. Eve answers
I feel enraged, I want to sweep you away from an untenable unacceptable situation. I am up in arms against women allowing penetration of their unaroused vaginas. I am pretty disgusted with men who will penetrate an unaroused vagina, knowing the woman is on pain – and threatening divorce if she dares refuse. Surely you understand what your vagina is telling you: its dry as a way to protect you from a horrible emotionally abusive marriage – but you’re not listening to it.
You ignore its voice through your own fear of rejection, divorce, aloneness. And I get these are valid fears. But its time to wise up. No more penis into your vagina!
Rather spend the time thinking about your marriage, what you can bring to it that will make you happy, how to overcome resentment you have, if it is possible to make your vagina smile with your husband’s penis again. Of course you have no sexual desire – for your husband. This is not the issue – the issue is the marriage.
I urge you to go to therapy alone even if your husband refuses to come with – you need a quiet rational place where you can hear yourself think.
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