I cheated on my wife. I broke her heart & feel really bad about it. What do I do to win her heart back?
Dr. Eve Replies:
I may as well begin 2012 talking about betrayal, cheating, pain and recovery. It is the language of everyman, every nation in one form or another. Tragically so. We betray ourselves , we betray others, we begin a New Year resolving to be faithful to self as well as to others. Do we need to make resoultions that will contain us as it is more natrual for us to cheat and deceive, betray and cause pain??
I think not. I think people are primed for goodness, merely not taught how to manage the too many challenges that appear in their lives - and we revert to cheating, betrayal, pain as a primal coping mechanism.
Last week I asked a cheating despairing man who called into The Dr. Eve Show why he cheated, knowing this is a high risk activity. I am keen to undertand people's motivations. He claimed sexual frustration as his wife stopped wanting sex after babies arrived. He went out looking for sexand and eventually found himself entangled in a relationship. He felt trapped and got free when his wife discovered. Huge relief for him but how to repair with a broken hearted wife?
Trustworthiness : you need to ask yourself: are you trustworthy? Develop trustworthiness by being accountable to yourself first and foremost, by being consistent and maintaining consistency in all areas of your life, not merely towards your wife. She will be watching you- you need to be trustworthy in business, with friends and family. And consistent. And predictable. Any sudden chnages will alert her and make her loose trust in you.
It's a hard long walk back into a partner's heart after cheating. It requires two people to do this work: over time your wife has to feel her way back to you, she cannot leave you dangling alone forever in the guilty box. And if she cannot open up her heart or legs again, she must let you free.
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