I went to therapy for 8 months and still do periodically to make sure I never go back. I am at a place now where people like me for who I am and this feeling is much better than the comments I lusted after in my past! I have grown into a balanced wise individual through all of this and know now that a big penis is the most overrated thing in the world.
I have a very big penis and very big testicles so it shows in anything I wear whatever I do. From jeans, shorts, swimming trunks whether a speedo or a board short etc. I hate my penis and wish it was never there for now my wife hates it and can't stand to look at me naked. I love her more than anything and do not know how to say I am sorry for what I have done to her. Guilt consumes me!
I am a musician/singer by trade and was asked by the record company to start dancing classes as they want us to dance on stage. They sent me to a ballet class because I danced so badly, and I got so hooked on doing ballet that I think I have found my passion!
The problem is that becasue of my past my wife thinks my large endowment is repulsive, and that I like showing my endowment to others! She wants me to do everything possible to flatten my bulge. She said, after trying everything to flatten "it" herself, that "why can't you just be normal? You repulse me". When I go running she also says: "I do not like your bulge bouncing around". She wants me to stop running! She hates that I do ballet since I show very large in my dancing tights. She wants me to stop ballet. We never go swimming since I show through wet swimming attire. But the weird thing is she also says we should not divorce!
We have not had sex in 2 years and I have not gone to any other place to get fullfilment. The reason being that I feel guilty about my past and feel it is not my right to leave her after I have given her so much pain, which was my fault.
I am a very sexual person although I fantasize about one woman only, my wife!
Is it in my right to leave her? I hate my huge penis. I wish I could get rid of it. It takes me half an hour to get dressed and then I settle on anything because it is no use.
I know that she will never love me the same as when I met her and I also think I owe it to her to move on so that she can also love a good man again and feel love. I miss my wife, but I can not get rid of the fact that she hates me for my past, but also that everytime she sees my big endowment it reminds her of this past and she hurts all over again, hating me again!
I can not cut myself of from the world either, doing nothing just because somenone might see my big endowment.
My problem: My penis makes that my wife can not except me. I battle leaving her becasue of the guilt of what I did. I wish I could cut it off!
Is there any hope?
Dr. Eve answers
I received your letter and then the above letter came through a few days later — a co incidence??! There comes a time when one has to make peace with one self- forgive oneself , find the wisdom and understanding – and I admire you for going into therapy and looking at expunging your monsters. Never easy thing to do.
Fetishes never go away – they can be managed so that that they do not intrude on one’s life.
Clearly ballet is a “safe” way for you to continue to engage with your fetish – exhibitionism, exposure of your genitals, primarily to women. It is safer than what you were doing before hand- yet it must be seen for what it is. I can understand your wife feeling the threat of this – the rreminder of the possibility that will lead to you reverting to old behavior and actually seeking women out to whom you can expose yourself, privately.
The relationship needs attention. Its not about the “bulge” – its what the “bulge” is saying. I suggest couple and sex therapy for the two of you.
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