Should i wait it out with him until he divorces her? What are the chances statistically of our relationship working if we eventually had to be together?
I feel tired of having this type of relationship, constant sneaking around, stressed about my husband seeing my emails and cellphone, excuses to leave the office and home, scared of being seen by someone, its too much work.
I've told him that i'm tired of this i want to get to a point of having a normal relationship soon, all he says is that i need to be patient, he doesn't have a reason to get divorced, I thought that being with me could be reason enough for him, sometimes i feel that he's not willing to give up his comfortable life that he has built with her. He can have me, he knows i love him too much to end it and also go back home where he's is comfortable. I always end up feeling hurt after we have sex, there's no lying together or cuddling, it's only a focus on getting dressed cause we have to get back to work or home.
Dr Eve should i give him an altimatum or just continue the way our relationship is right now, not sure what to do, my best friends have told me to end it with him, but i can't. I've told them that he's different, that he loves me.
Dr. Eve answers
Of course you want to believe your lover is different. However his behavior sounds pretty standard to me : he makes promises (no sex with anyone else, divorce, verbal commitment to be with you) and manifests none of them. He sounds like a regular guy having an affair, cheating on his wife, enjoying the privilege of two women.
And you know why? Because he can.
Because you are there, yes, irritated, but there and afraid to make any demands as a part of you knows that if you make demands you may loose this cheater. You too are cheating – I’m in no judgement of cheating – it’s a behavioral choice many people make that really works for them – in the moment. Its when the expectations change – as they do, and we want those moments forever , that things get a little tricky.
To answer your question: statistically relationships born out of affairs have the worst prognosis of success. Too much baggage, clutter to sort out, guilt, kids, exs – really heavy duty work. Of course many couples do it and live happily ever after.
My wish for you: sort out your marriage. Go for counseling. Give this your attention over and above the frustration of trying to get a man to leave his life for you. The two issues should be separate - in an ideal world both you and your lover should attend to your marriages first.
Listen to your strong instinctive voice: your lover has no real plans to leave his life right now, he treats you disrespectfully sexually and emotionally. The choice of how you want to live in relationship is yours: do you want to live with integrity or with pain and humiliation.
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Reply to your advice.
Thank you Dr Eve for bursting my bubble about this man, in my eyes he is perfect, different. How do i know that he is genuinely different?
Actually we have decided to end things since i sent the last mail. This was more on his insistance and on my begging him not too completely right me off. Did the whole 'snot en trane' thing over the phone. He says he has to sort out his divorce, i have to on my side. Ending it is the mature thing to do, so that my husband knows i'm not leaving cause of the affair and he wants the same for his wife. We have agreed to mail each other, that is the only contact we will have. I have also signed up to go for counselling.
Dr Eve should i waste my time hoping he will choose to be with me once he is divorced. How do i stop entertaining the fantasy of him calling me after a few months, telling me he is divorced and declaring his undying love for me. (Yes, i know i'm an embarrassment to the female species right now)
Actually we have decided to end things since i sent the last mail. This was more on his insistance and on my begging him not too completely right me off. Did the whole 'snot en trane' thing over the phone. He says he has to sort out his divorce, i have to on my side. Ending it is the mature thing to do, so that my husband knows i'm not leaving cause of the affair and he wants the same for his wife. We have agreed to mail each other, that is the only contact we will have. I have also signed up to go for counselling.
Dr Eve should i waste my time hoping he will choose to be with me once he is divorced. How do i stop entertaining the fantasy of him calling me after a few months, telling me he is divorced and declaring his undying love for me. (Yes, i know i'm an embarrassment to the female species right now)
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January 14, 2009
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Holy Crumbs
Are you serious? Sounds like you are under the addiction of one of the most powerfull drugs know to us....Love.
If you are serious about councelling then give it a REAL chance and stop wondering about your relationship with this other man. If you are not prepared to do that then be adult and responsible enough to end your marriage and stop LYING to your husband. Before you do this remember that the chances of having a successfull second marriage are alot less then the likelihood of your first marriage succeding.
Love the one you are with.
If you are serious about councelling then give it a REAL chance and stop wondering about your relationship with this other man. If you are not prepared to do that then be adult and responsible enough to end your marriage and stop LYING to your husband. Before you do this remember that the chances of having a successfull second marriage are alot less then the likelihood of your first marriage succeding.
Love the one you are with.
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January 14, 2009
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Get out of this affair, infact run
Hi,
I have been there about a year ago, my husband and I had problems since the start of our marriage. Vulnerability kicked in after 4 years of not getting from my husband what I needed and that is to be respected and loved. I had an affair with a person your mother would warn you against, I knew all there is to know about this mans terrible past and history with women but did it stop me... no. He was paying attention to me, he was caring, soft spoken and gentle. I divorced my husband "not because of the affair" but the fact that it's been coming for a long time, yeah right!
The affair ended horribly, the result. He is still with his girlfriend in their home. I have lost my husband and my home. The irony is that I found new love with a gentle soul and guess who, my ex- husband. We found our way back to each other and are expecting a baby girl (yet I couldn't fall pregnant in the marriage), all of this in one year.
Take advice from Dr EVE and stop lying to yourself. Get out, infact run. If you want to leave your husband, think about what you have done to restore your marriage and stop looking at what his not doing, once you done this and you still feel the same about leaving then do so but honey this guy aint going to leave his wife and you fooling yourself with this arrangement of yours.
Get out and run.
I have been there about a year ago, my husband and I had problems since the start of our marriage. Vulnerability kicked in after 4 years of not getting from my husband what I needed and that is to be respected and loved. I had an affair with a person your mother would warn you against, I knew all there is to know about this mans terrible past and history with women but did it stop me... no. He was paying attention to me, he was caring, soft spoken and gentle. I divorced my husband "not because of the affair" but the fact that it's been coming for a long time, yeah right!
The affair ended horribly, the result. He is still with his girlfriend in their home. I have lost my husband and my home. The irony is that I found new love with a gentle soul and guess who, my ex- husband. We found our way back to each other and are expecting a baby girl (yet I couldn't fall pregnant in the marriage), all of this in one year.
Take advice from Dr EVE and stop lying to yourself. Get out, infact run. If you want to leave your husband, think about what you have done to restore your marriage and stop looking at what his not doing, once you done this and you still feel the same about leaving then do so but honey this guy aint going to leave his wife and you fooling yourself with this arrangement of yours.
Get out and run.
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January 14, 2009
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Whilst i welcome your freedom to express yourselves, i do not welcome your judgments. Yes i have started seeing a psychologist to work through my divorce. Your judgments are not welcome and i will not work it out with a husband that has done nothing but emotionally abuse, isolated me from all my friends, wants to check my cell and emails,threathens my life and having me walk on eggshells my whole entire marriage cause i don't want to set him off and i'm too ashamed of anyone finding out about what goes on behind closed doors. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and no it's not because of the affair, i was always too afraid to leave, and yes today i'm still afraid, i have shared this with my psychologist, cause i know he could kill me and then commit suicide, but i'll rather risk my life than continue living this way. To be honest when i've tried to leave before he has choked me, told me afterwards he only stopped cause he saw i was going lifeless, i stayed, why cause i'm too ashamed.
I will not give up on the other man either, that's the risk i'm willing to take, I do still trust what he says, he has kept his word on every promise he has ever made, within reason of the nature of our relationship. So untill something else happens i will continue hoping that we can be together and make it work.
I will not give up on the other man either, that's the risk i'm willing to take, I do still trust what he says, he has kept his word on every promise he has ever made, within reason of the nature of our relationship. So untill something else happens i will continue hoping that we can be together and make it work.
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January 15, 2009
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I too have discomfort with judgements expressed here- whilst I welcome all opinions I want us to practice understanding - this is a forum that deals with deepest human confusions, pains and of course pleasures.
I love that you express opinion but let's work with understanding rather than going to judgement -my guiding principle is "you never know until you know" Judgements inhibit "knowing " someone.
I love that you express opinion but let's work with understanding rather than going to judgement -my guiding principle is "you never know until you know" Judgements inhibit "knowing " someone.
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January 15, 2009
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Abuse verses abuse
Tragically all you are doing is replace one form of abuse with another. You've got to learn to love yourself first because untill you do you will continue to attract men who are abusive in one respect or another because you don't know any better. The last thing I am doing is sitting in judgement, I have also been where you are and its taken years of theraphy to find me, to learn to accept and love who I am, with that came freedom....an unbelievable weight was taken off my shoulders and I could make choices which benefited me. If your husband is abusive and won't seek help, get rid of him, but before continuing with the affair give yourself time for the theraphy to work, you need to find you and when you do, you will see things in a very different light and make decisions accordingly. My heart goes out to you
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January 15, 2009
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Decisions
Thank you for all the advice, yes i have finally discovered that he is no different from any other cheater. Everything is over between us, i will have no further contact with him. Even though he says he doesn't love his wife, he is comfortable with his life and i know that he will never give that up. Sad to say i'm probably not the first woman he's had an affair with.
As for my husband he has agreed to go for counselling, but anything further than that i can't promise him. Both of us have got many issues to deal with.
As for my husband he has agreed to go for counselling, but anything further than that i can't promise him. Both of us have got many issues to deal with.
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January 16, 2009
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Michelle
I am happy to hear you are moving in a positive direction and really wish you all the best. You are certainly worth more than what you are getting at the moment. Certainly to leave a person who threatens physical violence is very scary. There is not enough protection afforded in our country for this sort of thing even though crimes against women and children are now supposed to be treated with priority by the police.
I agree with Dr Eve about being judgemental, only to a certain point though. It is true that you don't know until you know and even in the depeest relationship another will not truley know things the way you do.
There is however a tendancy nowdays to fall into the absolutely relative trap where each person makes decisions based completely on their own relative perspective. In some cases certain things are simply morally wrong. Stealing, murder, rape, dishonesty. These are all considered wrong because of the damage they cause either to the individual or to society.
It is impossible to provide advice without judging to some degree, even the Michelle's lover (ex now hopefully) in this instance has been judged.
I am happy to hear you are moving in a positive direction and really wish you all the best. You are certainly worth more than what you are getting at the moment. Certainly to leave a person who threatens physical violence is very scary. There is not enough protection afforded in our country for this sort of thing even though crimes against women and children are now supposed to be treated with priority by the police.
I agree with Dr Eve about being judgemental, only to a certain point though. It is true that you don't know until you know and even in the depeest relationship another will not truley know things the way you do.
There is however a tendancy nowdays to fall into the absolutely relative trap where each person makes decisions based completely on their own relative perspective. In some cases certain things are simply morally wrong. Stealing, murder, rape, dishonesty. These are all considered wrong because of the damage they cause either to the individual or to society.
It is impossible to provide advice without judging to some degree, even the Michelle's lover (ex now hopefully) in this instance has been judged.
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January 16, 2009
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All the best
Hi Michelle,
It's really ironic, when I read your response re passing judgement, the fact that you willing to continue the relationship with the other man therapy and your husbands abusive behavior. I thought I was reading about myself, I truely am in no position to judge you, I have been there and it may seem to you that I have no clue about what you going through but let me reassure you, that I have been in your situation, it may not have the same dynamics. Michelle I wish I had taken the advice I have been offered when I was in this situation.
Like Carol has mentioned give yourself time to work through therapy and speaking from experience please try to let the other guy go by all means.
I think it's wonderful that your husband has agreed to councelling which is a clear indication that he is willing to work things out. I hope that you work through your issues too and I'm sure that once this is all over it will just be a distant memory, at the moment things may seem like it's falling apart and that there is no silver lining. Take one day at a time and just tell yourself that things will eventually be okay.
All the best.
It's really ironic, when I read your response re passing judgement, the fact that you willing to continue the relationship with the other man therapy and your husbands abusive behavior. I thought I was reading about myself, I truely am in no position to judge you, I have been there and it may seem to you that I have no clue about what you going through but let me reassure you, that I have been in your situation, it may not have the same dynamics. Michelle I wish I had taken the advice I have been offered when I was in this situation.
Like Carol has mentioned give yourself time to work through therapy and speaking from experience please try to let the other guy go by all means.
I think it's wonderful that your husband has agreed to councelling which is a clear indication that he is willing to work things out. I hope that you work through your issues too and I'm sure that once this is all over it will just be a distant memory, at the moment things may seem like it's falling apart and that there is no silver lining. Take one day at a time and just tell yourself that things will eventually be okay.
All the best.
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January 16, 2009
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Husband needs help
10 days ago I found out my wife is having an affair. We've been married for 20 years. She just turned 40 and I am 43. Yes, we got married very young, never had a chance to experience so called "single life". Life was not very romantic with me over stressing about providing, raising our kids, etc. She finally gave up and found a man, she claims makes feel like a woman. I am devastated. I blame myself for this, I know I allowed her to fall out of love with me and these are the consequenses. I can't explain why I feel this way, but I want her back no matter what. I know she is a good woman and I screwed up. It took this to make me realize and now I am hearting. Please give me some advise what to do?
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January 21, 2009
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Still love ex
Hi Dr Eve and everybody. My girlfriend recently left me. My verbal abuse, jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity lead to her leaving. In wanting to get back with her I told her I will work on these bad qualities of mine, and I genuinely did. She says she need time and space. Time to explore other people and get to know herself. Since the breakup she has undertaken a risky behaviour. My ex confessed that she had a one night stand with a colleague of hers after we broke up. Dr Eve I am very concerned about her, as I do not want her having a bad reputation for sleeping around, she insist she young and want to explore. Having spent 17 mnths with this woman, letting her go is hard. It was an intense, intimate relationship. We loved each other to bits. I told my ex I will wait for her. Dr Eve when will my ex girlfriend come out of this phase? She 22 and I am 25. I intend on marrying her, and she know this, as we discussed it plenty times.
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January 26, 2009
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My suggestion is that you work on these qualities to better yourself and not to win her back. I think she has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you. If you work on getting over your possesiveness and jealousy the next woman you meet won't want to run away.
As for her risky behaviour if you do have sex with her again, please ensure you use protection.
As for her risky behaviour if you do have sex with her again, please ensure you use protection.
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January 28, 2009
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ms
I have had an affair for the last 4 months. I know the guy is nothing but a fraud and I feel like a complete fool. As per usual, the typical promises were made. Why do men pick vulnerable women in bad marriages? Like Michelle, my husband is extremely difficult and I hope that someday I will get out the marriage. In the meanwhile, though, I need to rebuild my self-confidence and get over the other guy.
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December 06, 2009
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I am having an affair
Hi, I am a 33yrs old married woman fro 5yrs now, we have a beautiful 3yrs old son, right now i honestly dont know if i still love my husband, while i was still in varsity i had a crush on this guy, and he had the same with me, but we never persued our feelings. We both got married to our partners, somewhere along the way, we started communicating, we became friends who can share anything, its like being there for one another, but we never saw each other, it was just telephonic and emails, last year Sept we decided to see each other, nothing happened we just had a friendly kiss, from end of last year his marriage is in a rocky place, and now he is saying he is tired and wants a divorce. On the other hand from this year Jan, my marriage is in a rocky place till today, we dont seem to find any resolution, and its been 2 full monhts now without sex with my husband, from Feb me and this other gy we starte seeing each other and say bcoz both of us are not geeting sex from our partners lets go for it. Now the prblem is i have fallen i nlove with him and i think its the same with him, we always sms-ing each other and it doesnt mattter the time, we always tell each other how we cant get enough of one another, i got myself into this thinking i just want to have the fun that is lacking in my marriage, but now i dont know what to do. shoulld he goes ahead with the divorce whats going to happen?
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April 22, 2010
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Please give me one night of pleasure
I am married for 13yrs, have 2 lovely kids and a great husband, I love him to bits. Making love to my husband is just not what it was, I am just not enjoying it anymore. Problem is I have after 22yrs connected to a guy who had a crush on me since primary school. Both of us are married now. He told me that he wants to fulfill his fantasy by making me his own just for one night. It sounds so exciting, as we tell each other what our wildest fantasies are......each and every morning. I just cannot get this idea out of my mind as I never made love to anyone else but with my husband and I just want to feel what it feels like with him as both of us will fulfill our fantasies. We both do not want to break up our families,as it would really hurt both our partners if they should find out about our secret talks. Lust is taking over my mind. I really want to have just ONE of true pleasure again. Please tell me what should I do.......as guilt and lust is making me crazy.
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September 08, 2011
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