Hi Dr. Eve
I have heard about your website on a TV programme and was greatful to discover that you could get on-line advice.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Love making has never really been successful although I think the first 4 years was kind of alright, but he disagrees. He doesnt like kissing for the last 5 years anymore. I dont enjoy sex with him because it feels if it is only for his pleasures. Its a total disaster. Besides this, the first 4 years we had about sex once a month, so it wasnt very often. Now, its worse, because we dont get along very well, we might give it a try once a year!! Then its also a disaster. Why doesnty he like to kiss me? Kissing leads to the rest. Yes, I did tell him before that he needs to give more attention to me. I did make kissing etc attempts myself but my attempts were never returned because he was busy or wanted to sleep, so I stopped.
You might be thinking that I am overweight etc. which leads to that my husband find me unattractive. Im not, I am totally in shape and not bad looking as per other men who finds me attractive and would want to start relationships with me, even high profile blue chip company men. I am convinced that my husband married the wrong the woman, because why am I not getting treated other men treat their wives?
I know this is crazy, what would you do or suggest?
Dr Eve Answers
My first suggestion is couple therapy for the both of you together. This is a common problem that many women complain about and creates so much pain, as you know. It is a complex situation and requires both of you to have a professional assessment. Your husband needs a physical assessment to identify if there is any medical or hormonal reason why he is not interested in being sexual. Or maybe he is being sexual, but not with you. After 9 year of awkwardness and discomfort both of you are stuck in your positions and cannot free yourselves up - which brings in all kinds of relationship tensions. This is not just his problem- you contribute to it but both of you feel safer to blame each other I am sure. Of course you feel badly about yourself - and of course you envy what you perceive ideal other relationships. You are a walking target waiting fro an affair to happen: you crave the emotional and physical attention that you are deprived of from your husband. My last suggestion is the same as the first one: get professional help
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