My daughter is 45 years old, divorced for  a number of  years, was overweight, with a low self-esteem. She didn't date often and is not the type of girl to sleep around.

However, about 4 years ago she made the biggest mistake of her life by having a one night stand without protection. She was diagnosed HIV positive during a diabetes blood test.

It was devastating news. Besides myself, her sibling and her best girl friend, she does not want anyone else to know, especially her young teen daughter.

She took charge of her life:  she attends gym as many times a week as possible, eats healthily and lost weight. She went online and read everything connected with her status and searched for a support group for HIV positive people in Cape Town.  She went to meetings for months, even though the meetings were attended by the same 3 people each time. 

About six months ago she decided to join an internet dating site and met a number of very nice guys over coffee.  She dated one of them for a couple of months, fell in love and told him she was HIV positive. He was very empathetic and understanding, told her it didn't matter because he loved her too. She couldn't believe how lucky she was. Sadly, a few weeks later, he told her he couldn't see her anymore.  At a first coffee date with another man, she told him about her HIV status immediately, simply because he was in the life insurance business and she thought that somehow he could have found out about it anyway.  She never heard from him again.

Since then she has gone on a few more coffee dates but she says that her heart is just not in it and she feels unworthy. She has now cancelled her subscription to the dating site.

She has lost all confidence in herself, is depressed and desperately craves a partner who will love and accept her the way she is. What is a HIV+ person supposed to do about finding love?

Dr. Eve Replies:

You are right to feel a sense of injustice. You have a right to hold up the constitution and scream that the treatment of your daughter is prejudical and unconstitutional. It's not going to change the reality you are facing - that HIV + people remain discrimnated against.

I am hearing something very strongly and that is that your daughter feels shameful of herself, of her own status. I think before seeking a partner she needs to find some self acceptance. Seeking  a partner to heal one's own need for company, companionship, validation is never a healthy lead in to relationships. Disclosure to self, finding a way to live comfortably, positively is deeply challenging but until your daughter can do this, dating is always going to throw up this as a unique challenge.

Let her get back onto dating sites, take her gymed up body to meet guys - but with a different attitude. Men are afraid of HIV as many are actually ignorant about it.When your daughter feels a relationship is possible, she should take the guy with her to a booked  appointment with a professional specialising in HIV. In this space he can learn about HIV/AIDS and both can learn safer sex practices.

Meantime your daughter has the right to be sexual with herself - self servicing is the way to go. A lovely clitoral Layaspot with Gelsea moisturizer will bring her pleasure and increase her sexual confidence. This goes a long way to attracting a man , a man who is grown up and able to understand that HIV/AIDS is a chronic disease that simply requires mindful safer sex.

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