I am a member of the mormon church. I have stopped attending there cause it was just too upsetting for me to realise when i've asked my daughters (4,6) what they want to be all they could say was that they want to be married and have babies. Also i have 3 children my youngest is 2 years old and my husband suggested we should have another one cause God wants us too. I completely lost it cause it is difficult enough dealing with all 3, he was annoyed and accused me of being a bad mother and selfish an i'll go to hell.
The problem is that i don't know how to rebuild my life, i started working in February this year, was a housewife from the time i had my first child, cause that is what is expected in the religion. How can i live without feeling that i'll go to hell for not believing their views. I'm tired of being a slave to my husband, i'm told that a good mormon woman cooks, cleans and has sex with her husband (always on his demand), so know i have a hard time believing that i can do anything else and feeling that i'll go to hell for wanting to work and leave my kids in someone else's care. I've always been subservient to my husband in every way, i've always followed his decisions cause in our religion the husband is the head of the household and makes final decisions. I feel unable to cope with living this way anymore, i've told him that i want a divorce, which he says it's next to impossible in our religion.
About 3 months ago i met someone else, we talked and went out as much as we can (he's also married, so we don't have too much time together). I ended up having sex with him for the first time last week. I insisted that we use condoms, pardon my ignorance but i'm not sure if certain things i do is risky in terms of spreading diseases. For example can i get STI's by giving him a blowjob and last week i had a cut on my lip can HIV be spread that way, where i can find specific info on this. I'm not very informed when it comes to this cause sexual education is frowned upon in our religion.
Also i don't know how to teach my children sex education, when my girls started touching themselves, my husband said i'm suppose to tell them that they are being bad for doing it and God doesn't want us to touch our bodies, so i'm not sure if i've scarred them by doing this. What am i suppose to tell them when they do this?
Dr. Eve answers
Thank you for your brave letter. I can only imagine the kind of internal pain you are going through- breaking all your former behaviors but with the threat and fear of hell hanging over your head. It is going to be real difficult to live the life you want as long as you are held by your religion and the lifestlye it dictates. I am sorry you have to have an affair to feel alive and like a real person – I would prefer you find a substantial way out of this life style if this is what you want. However you need courage, lots of support as it will mean changing all that you know and once held dear. You may be very alone and of course ostracized by the Mormon community and your family and friends therein. So plan very carefully if this is to be your choice.
In terms of safe sex , both you and your lover need to go for HIV tests as well as STI screenings. Practicing safer sex is always a requirement irrespective of status.So you always want to use a condom, always. Oral sex is safe especially if both of you are negative but if you have a mouth sore you want to use a condom- mouth sores are the herpes virus and if your lover has a cut on his penis, or is uncircumcised it increases chances of herpes transmission and thus both of you are more susceptible to HIV infection.
I shudder at how your husband wants to provide sex education for your children – its all wrong. Buy my book Dr. Eve Sex Book - A Guide for Young People (Human & Rousseau, 2008) and it will give you much needed information for yourself as well as on how to educate your children.
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