Dr Eve | My wife doesn't seem to have a sex drive | Dear Dr. Eve | learn

I have been married for almost 3 years to a beautiful woman whom I adore. I am 27, she is 24. For almost 2 of these years, our sex life has been going badly. We only had sex once on our honeymoon. We have sex maybe 3 times a month, which is nowhere near the amount I would like. My wife doesn't seem to have a sex drive, she almost never touches me, avoids kissing me, except for the occasional peck on the cheeck. When we do have sex, she will not participate in any kind of foreplay.

She thinks rubbing my private parts for a minute is enough. (This by the way is the only time she ever touches my private parts.) I try to initiate foreplay, but she just lies still, receiving but not giving. I feel rejected and unloved, as none of my emotional or sexual needs are being met. She won't let me kiss her on the mouth, and she says it tickles too much when I kiss her body. I am not allowed to give her oral sex nor do I ever receive it. Most of the time she ignores my advances and sometimes even pretends to fall asleep. I do most of the work around the house, I cook, I clean and I run my own full time business. She also has a full time job, which she claims as the reason why she is always too tired. She however gets up at 5am every morning to go to the gym and she attends pole dance classes 3 nights a week. I've tried talking to her, most of the time she ignores the issues. For example, when I asked her why she doesn't like to kiss me, she said that she has grown up and doesn't like to kiss anymore? When I try to get her to try something in bed, she always responds with: why do we have to do what you want to do? Meanwhile we never do anything because she doesn't want to. What can I do?

Dr. Eve answers

I’m wondering first and foremost what your wife and your sexual lives were like before you got married. I am always amazed at people who marry and then in shock discover the truth about their partner’s sexuality. Even if there was no penetration before hand – for religious reasons- there has to be some fooling around. You had to have had some idea that you were marrying a woman who is sexually aversive. A woman who seems to be very involved in her own body- but for and with herself only –by the way have you considered if she is cheating??

Your sexuality and thus relationship sounds horrible. Truly horrible. Perhaps your wife has another story to tell. But your story really is sad and somewhat pathetic. I urge the two of you to go for couple counseling. Else I really cannot see a healthy marital future for the two of you together.

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Update - My wife doesn't seem to have a sex drive.

Our sex live before marriage was really exciting. We didn't have penetrative sex before marriage, but we had our share of fooling around. She was really adventurous and enjoyed all the things she now doesn't want to do. The thought that she is cheating has crossed my mind. To be honest, I myself have been tempted to cheat, because of the lack of satisfaction, but have not done so because I really love her. It seems that as soon as we got married, it went downhill, because before that, it was truly amazing. She also complains that sex is painfull for her, but she has been to the gynocologist, who told her what she must do to avoid this, but she just does not make an effort from her side. I have done all I can from my side. I thought I made a breakthrough last week when I finally got through to her how I feel, but again, more than a week later, things are back to the way they were and it seems she has again ignored my plea to better things between us. At this point she feels more like a sister than a wife.

ANON , June 03, 2009

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I'm sori to hear about ur situation,ur concerns show that you care about your wife.Make sure to try by allmeans to sort thing out, try and make her share her feelings with you coz there must be something into it.

I'm also in the same situation with my partner the difference is that he cheated on me and when i find out it hurt me so bad, I actually lost trust towards him and now it's affective our sex life. So don't ever think of cheating coz it would make things worse, Try to see a counsellor as the doctor advise coz you can't solve it alone.

Wish you all the best
Sbongi

Sbongile Ngidi , June 04, 2009

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anon your story is realy sad.you don't deserve the type of treatment that your wife is giving you.just hold on and don't cheat on her.

vuyolwethu , June 08, 2009

My wife doesnt seem to have a sex drive

Sorry to hear about ur sad story. I think ur wife is very selfish and self centred. Every thing revolves around her alone. She has time to go to the gym and dance classes while she cant even please her husband in bed, or try to talk through the issues that affect you or even cook or clean? Why do u have her in your life then.Marriage is about compromising,if she doesnt give enough time to address marital issues then to her its like u r jst there to provide security and surely she can get herself a bodyquard since she's working.It hurts me because I'm a 28yr old married woman who's been married for five yrs.Believe me when I say we've been having great sex with my hubby since the day we met till today.We make love every day,sometimes twice a day and each time is special and more pleasant. The only time we dont make love is when he or I'm away or one of us is sick.Out of this five yr marriage its only been not more that 30 days that we didnt make love and that was because of the reasons I've mentioned.It pleases one partner to see another one satisfied so I dont know what the isssue is with ur wife but she definately has a big problem and she better spell it out before she loses u.

Lolly , June 19, 2009

hi

she is cheating on you brother iam a woman i know

nomzico , June 25, 2009

My wife doesnt seem to have a sex drive

This is so sad. Something is terribly wrong. She has all the energy for other stuff, but none for you and your needs? You guys are in your twenties, not 100's??? You better have a serious chat with her. It sounds all selfish to me and if she has a problem, healthwise/low libido, she should sort it out, with your support. If she fails to, you guys may have serious decisions to make. If you do not sort it out, I think the potential of you cheating will just get higher! good luck

zoe gua , June 26, 2009

My wife doesnt seem to have a sex drive

This is indeed sad, She really does not deserve your love and devotion. I have a feeling that she no longer feels you like before and you should try to go back to the old mood when you first met. That could work bring her sexy back.

Rose , June 29, 2009

My wife doesn't seem to have a sex drive

Your story hit a nerve as for the longest time, I was like your wife. Active sex life before marriage, and a few months in...it just went down hill. I was lucky that we managed to sort things out before the marriage ended, and that was due to communication. I was still a very passionate person, however, I experienced a trauma which I discovered later, I blamed him for. Not that he did anything, it was just my way of dealing with it...he didn't even know this bothered me. Similarly, I was not happy with my job, and the pressures I felt at work, I reflected his way. I felt angry and disillusioned with my life, and he wanted sex. That just killed the sex drive. Maybe you should stop telling her how you feel...adding pressure to an issue that could be causing her stress, and try figuring out the reason for her actions. There will be something, and it might have NOTHING to do with you, but with open communication, and support (and this might result in lots of screaming and tears)you might just break through. Remember, she might not know the reasons and this is where councelling will help. It depends on how much you are willing to fight for the relationship. Once those barriers are broken, I can assure you the sex comes naturally. That was just my experience.

Bokkie R , July 10, 2009

"My wife doesnt seem to have a sex drive"

I think your wife was not used to having sex even before you got married, so now she is not comfortable with expressing herself. I think you should talk to her and discuss your concerns and hear how she feels about sex. You should try to make her understand foreplay and maybe just focus on that for sometime and not go any further. I know it might be hard but first let her be comfortable with that and then you can take the next step of intercouse.

Mpummy , July 20, 2009

"My wife doesnt seem to have a sex drive"

Ok. Lets start like this.

If someone comes on to you all the time, you would not like it at all. in the way of you get put off for the fact that its to "easy" . What you need to do is start using the method "push pull " - we use it in pick up and its the best way to get someones attention. So basically what i'm saying is this. Get your body language to tell her that you don't need sex. We all are programed to seek what we cant get. Make that happen, approach her in the way of " i don't need sex" touch her in that way as well. there is small things and ways you can trigger her. ex. a soft hug is boring, but a soft powerful hug with strong hands on her back = seduce . Dude you just need to find those small triggers on her.No a fence but i think you to much on her. go for push pull - give the impression that you don't want or need sex - Yet the way you touch her and talk to her is saying subconsciously " F&*%k ME " . Do some research on Pick Up. and Sexual Seduction .

Regards
Captivate

Captivate , July 23, 2009

My wife doesn't seem to have a sex drive

Please don't judge. It is funny how ppl assume that, if a wife do not have a drive, she automatically has an affair. Even our GP suggested that to my hubby. We've been together for 12 years, married for 7 and have 2 beautiful boys. My sex drive disappeared after my first pregnancy. We went for councelling, tried the GP and various other options, to no avail. I feel guilty for not being able to satisfy my husband, who has been VERY patient, but can't seem to understand the way I feel. For some reason (I wish I knew what it was), I am just not interested.

Any suggestions?

Wife with no sex drive!!! , December 16, 2009