I have been married for almoast 1 year and we have knowen each other for just over 2 years. I knew when I met my husband that he had a porn folder on his laptop. Later started catching him out pleasuring him self into clothing while watching more downloaded porn. October last year we went through all this again and I got promised that it would stop and that everything would be deleted. 4 months on it has come up again. The problem I have with this is he lies and trys to hide it away but I catch him all the time. It makes me feel hurt, betrayed,worthless,etc. He says he has no problem with it and that I have the problem and I must go for counsclling. It is causing problems for me I see it as a form of cheating and have told him that but he continues to do it.If this dose not stop I'm going to leave him and have told him that. Where can I get help for both of us. Him to addmit he has a problem, cos I really think he does, for him to see what he is doing to our relationship? We don't have the money for a therapist and he refuses religous councilling. I truly can't go on with his lies and deceit anymore. Can you help or recomend anyone?

Dr. Eve Answers:

I have empathy for both you and your husband.  My empathy for you extends into how betrayed, rejected and confused you must be feeling. Knowing your man has porn at the outset of a relationship cannot prepare you for entering a whole new world into which this takes precedence over you. One simply thinks"oh well, men watch porn, pass it along " and its a bit of a lag between women. Until it becomes hsi world and you are sitiing on the outside of this world feeling liek the stranger in the bedroom.

I have empathy for your man as when it gets to the point of needing to lie, be aggressice and defensive or blaming of you for his porn viewing, he is leading a double life which gets pretty out of control and unmanageable for him. It appears he's havign the fun, but this is tainted in the moment fun which has long lasting terrible consequences for him.

I tell you this- you cannot beat or compete with this porn situation. do  not blame yourself, your looks or sexual style- if there is a problem your husband has with these, he needs to talk to you about it- porn is not an excuse for this. Be aware that your husband has found a way to justify his complusive/impulsive sexual behavior and it will take therapy to really get him to make shifts and for both of you to learn how to manage this situation. Know that you are right to feel agrieved and knwo that your husband is suffering too with this unmanageable situation. Please seek professioanl help asap.

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