I thought I was in a safe faithful relationship until I found porn on my boyfriend's phone....
My first reaction was shock, my next reaction was to leave.... When I asked him about it he said it was from before we started dating. I forgave him, set some boundaries and asked him if he would go for therapy. He refused saying if I am willing to be there and help him through this he doesnt need it..
Today I took his phone and lo and behold it has all began again. Dr Eve I need to know what is normal, how much is acceptable, how much is too much, and how seriously do I handle this matter.
I am desperate ... at this point I dont know if I should hate him or pity him.He has agreed to go for therapy. Do I join the 1st session or do I let him do it on his own.
Dr. Eve Replies:
You ask interesting and difficult questions. A new trend occurs when it becomes so commonplace that it simply blends into society unnoticed and we feel as if its always been there.Such is the present story with porn. Porn has always been around. Technology simply has made it more accessible to everyone.Hence the increase in usage.hence the feeling that its "normal.'
Unlike other trends, porn is different as it touches a very personal part of our lives- our relationships with ourselves, our sexuality and a partner. Its not like, well it's like cool for my man to wear a speedo even though his genitals are completely visible - no one is really harmed with this.
Porn is usually a secret activity practiced by men. And makes people, as in your case, feel deeply wounded, since its a secret your man has been keeping from you. So your initial response is deep ego wounding.
But let's try to understand your questions: too much porn is when this activity takes preference over partner sex, work, friend/family time. Too much is when you feel it causes him to be disengaged with you, when it begins to alter his actual sexual activity with you. For example, when he can only get turned on when porn is on or if he only wants to mimic porn sex with you, making you feel redundant and unseen and disconnected.
Your partner going for therapy with a qualified sex therapist will set your mind at ease: an assessment will determine if your man is merely trendy or has a compulsive impulsive pull towards porn that needs clinical management. For sure, you cannot be the one who monitors him. You must be his lover not his policewoman. Don't let him make you any promises about stopping right now- you will both be set up for disappointment. So therapy is a good call.
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why is it secret?
Secondly, the letter-writer needs to ask "why is it secret". Porn is mostly healthy except in extreme cases of addiction. So why would her boyfriend keep something healthy a secret? because he is scared of her reaction (and seemingly, rightly so - she freaked out, wanted to leave him etc on finding it). He needs to be reassured that his sexuality is HIS to do with what he pleases, and that she is not going to freak out every time he sneaks a peak.
Finally, she needs to ask why she freaked out. Was it the secrecy aspect? Or some fear of inadequacy? If the latter, she needs to realise that just like she might see a hot man and recognise his hotness but still want to go home to her boyfriend, so too will he look at others, get off and want to go home to her. Enjoying a bit of porn on the side is not a reflection of whether or not a man is into you. If he's looking at porn rather than sleeping with you, then maybe there's a problem between you and your partner, but this doesn't seem to be the case.
My suggestion: let the guy watc his porn, figure out what you're afraid of, watch some porn together.
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