Hi Dr. Eve
I've seen you on TV many times and have found your approach and thoughts on verious issues about sex very open minded and I respect the vast knowledge you have on the subject. Your views are never judgemental and for me thats such a rare quality. Some of your ideas you stand firm on, but they are fully justified as well, making you one of the most level headed therapists I've ever com across, so thank you as well.
I'm emailing this to you as a request about what you think we should do regarding what follows hereunder. It is a little long winded, but i think the more info you have the better you can help us decide what to do.
I'm sure you'll agree, most couples have different levels of sex drive, probably mostly the man being more virile than the lady, especially after children.
The problem actually started before we had our first little one. Being very sporty people in our late 20's and early 30's, we are very fit, slim and athletic respectively, and are physically attracted to each other. No issues there. The problem comes in on the amount of sex we get to have per month. It's dwindled to about twice monthly. She is quite a highly strung character, and worries enough for 4 people about all sorts. I don't have a problem with her not wanting to do anything, but - and this is where the issue starts - but I as a pretty energetic person, with a higher sex drive than my wife, really need to sort myself out. In no uncertain terms I HAVE to on the odd occasion, which is normal I believe, and I also believe its healthy to explore and use ones own body for self satisfaction instead of running to the local pickup which I wont do. There in the double edged sword. My wife detests it. In fact she abhors it, considering it almost as bad as "cheating". She views it as me being with someone else, because I'm not with her, and I'm doing it behind her back, without her.
I can understand that I guess, or do I? I have encouraged her to explore her own body for years now, and she has on the very odd occasion, which I know about, but she struggles to let go and not feel guilty and dirty about it as well. I think in the moment its fine, but she hates to think about it, and sees it as "gross".
This goes a lot deeper now. She says she's always had issues with sex, and stems from hearing her parents sometimes at night when she was small. Im not too sure how hectic it was, but I get the feeling she used to cry about it, and hate it, blocking her ears so as to not hear anything. Im also not sure how loud the "noises" were so to speak, the rooms were pretty close to each other. In any event, her dad and mom did chat to her about it at the time, explaining that what they were doing was their way of showing each other how much they love each other, and was not meant to hurt anyone. Something like that anyway. But I don't think my wife as a small girl was going to have any of it. She hated it - thoroughly!!!
Since then, solo sex, and sex in general was a big guilt trip for her, and she hardly thinks about it, almost like she has a block against it. She NEVER thinks of silly naughty things to do. I do believe that we have a very varied and fulfilling sex life when it does happen, but I know and see how restricted she is. I hear friends of mine whose wives and girlfriends initiate and plan some very naughty and exotic nights, from mild to wild. I feel I'm ALWAYS planning these things, almost feels like I'm pushing them onto her.
I do realise she likes to be introduced to new things slowly, and I'm a patient person, and we have watched the odd blue movie, with varying degrees of success, but one distasteful scene, and its off! We have quite a few toys, I bought them, we use them maybe once in 3-4 months, novelty. Most of our naughty is done at night, late in the dark at around 11pm. I miss looking at her, and get far more excited with the light on.
Anyway, I'm the kind of person that seeks help when I feel I need it. I really got a lot out of my therapy sessions I had in Melville Jhb, on issues like career, marriage, and things i wanted to understand about myself. My wife isn't as open to therapy as i am, and i encouraged her with a heck of a lot of patience and guidance to go see my therapist, which she eventually did.
When she explained her situation that she has issues with sex stemming (i think) from her parents noises in the night, the therapist made a fatal mistake of laughing, ok chuckling, and i don't think she was laughing "at" my wife, but rather with. She's an awesome therapist, and she would never belittle anything you have to say. I think she was making light of a bad situation, but the wife took it as extremely embarrassing, and this made things even worse. It's a serious issue, and i feel we need someone who will take this issue seriously. She is petrified and convinced everyone she tells this to will roll on the floor laughing at its silliness. Initially i also thought as much, but I've seen how crippling it is in our marriage. Im starved of sex, and the problem with me is I'm an adventurous type of person, and easily get bored of the same old same old, so i crave variety and excitement, and to be honest, my wife is quite inhibited as far as sexual exploration goes. We have done some pretty wild things i might add, and she's a honey for trying so many of the things we have tried...but if we not doing it much, and I'm not allowed to help myself...then there is a problem.
Im not sure if many woman allow their hubbies to help themselves, but i feel angry about this and feel I'm trapped by not being allowed to have sex ...AT ALL! I've got to the point that if i don't do anything for a few days, I'm actually thinking that Kash will be proud that i have abstained for so long now. I don't think i should be having guilty feelings about wanting to find my own outlet.
I realise the huge imbalance in our libidos, and she is very reluctant to find help, and I'm even considering the crazy, and that's to perhaps take some kid of medication to ease my own sex drive. I sometimes want to climb the walls I'm so "horny" for want of a better word and wish REALLY wish i didn't have to feel that way.
Both our parents are married still, and we are both very close to our families, seeing them all on a regular basis. We're both graduates, so we should be intelligent enough to sort this out ourselves, but i never have a problem seeking help from those in the know.
Dr, what REALLY worries me is that she might be harboring some other very deep seated issues that she doesn't even know about. The denial or complete block about something in your past, that's only in your subconscious and not conscious mind. Who knows, but only an expert will be able to tell this. Hence my conclusion after reading this, and thank you for the time.
What can I do about this? If i see a doc up here in Jhb, i need a soft, understanding person, like yourself who will take this as seriously as we see it, and try get to the bottom of what's REALLY the problem.
Dr Eve Answers
I have answered your e mail and placed it on the site as it is very important. It also reflects too many people's stories. Couples, who like you, are committed to their relationships, but really struggle to honor some of the sexual rules. And struggle to talk about the real pain they feel for fear it will explode into a conflict or a rejection. And so find themselves feeling unhappiness spill into other areas of their lives until they end up having an affair, containing huge resentment, becoming physically ill or depressed. There is no easy answer to your situation: clearly your wife is avoidant, I am sure all the factors you mention contribute to her dislike of sexuality. Yet you are complicit with her-yes, you may not think so, but my guess is you protect her real well and avoid hurting her So you moan but at the same time agree to less sex and also you agree to let her totally control your sexuality even removing your right to masturbate/privacy. Of course I suggest you seek out a therapist with whom both of you feel comfortable. Because this is so difficult for your wife she will not easily like any therapist, no matter how skilled and recommended they are. Let this be your first joint commitment to changing your sexuality and relationships-agreeing on a therapist together. If you achieve this, you probably will have amazing sex!
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