Dear Dr Eve I am an older woman in a same sex relationship.
My partner and I are very close and we really love each other. We have a good relationship, but sex and intimacy is a huge issue.
She was molested over a long period as a child and raped at the age of
16/17. When she reported this to a school counsellor, this much older,
married mother of 3, gained her confidence, then seduced her and had her locked into a lesbian relationship for over 2 years. My partner was left feeling scared of the husband, guilty towards the kids, yet unable to
leave the 'love' she was getting. 20 years on, she still believes this
woman really loved her. (I think she was a user and abuser.)
All this impacts our sex life hugely and it is very erratic. It can be
fantastic for a week and then gone for months. 18 months ago, I
encouraged my partner to go into therapy to deal with these issues.
Whiel there is huge improvement in her level of understanding herself,
to date, it's made very little difference to the quality or regularity
of sex.
While I understand the impact of abuse, I am frustrated and miserable
for the lack of it in my relationship. For me sex is an emotional
experience rather than a physical one. I am very attracted to my partner
and I'd love to have sex more often. While I love my partner deeply, my
needs are not met and I have no idea if it ever will. Lately I started
wondering if I should not just leave and find a more compatable partner.
I also get very sad when I think about this.
I don't know what to do or where to go to deal with all of this. Is
there any way out of this or do I just walk away ?
Dr. Eve Answers:
I hope anyone who has ever abused/sexually violated a person, reads this and begins to get an inkling of the long term consequences of sexual abuse. As your letter eloquntely illustrates, not only does your partner suffer, but the suffering extends into her world of relationships, both sexual and non sexual.
Sexually what you describe is typical symptoms of a person who has been sexually violated : inconsistent and unpredictable sexual interest, a fear of being sexually vulnerable, deprivation of self pleasure and a lack of understandign what is healthy and unhealthy loving and relationship.
I refer you to Wendy Maltz's classic book The Sexual Healing Journey which will enrich your understanding and give your partner exercises to do for sexual healing, once she is ready for this journey. I understand your need for sexual intimacy . I can suggest you use a sex toy but of course this is not what you want: you want hot breath on your skin and sweet whispers in your ear.
Please know that the work of healing takes years, its a life time process and you need to make the call on how long you can remain patient without putting pressure on your partner which may make her sexual health more vulnerable.
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