I come out of a very sexually active past,where the amount of partners cannot be counted or even named.
I also worked as a sex worker in my private capacity. In all these sexual experiences, I never experienced an orgasm once. It was just pleasing someone. This led to destructive behaviour and suicide attempts.
Finally not coping anymore I turned for psychiatric help and am currently on anti depressants.
I find that it has drasticly lowered my sex drive. I met a wonderful man, and untill our wedding night did not engage in sex. I struggle to have orgasms. My husband will not have a orgasm if I don't have one. And the pressure is on every time we get intimate.
I never fake, and promised myself that I will never do with my husband, because it is lying.
I have tried watching pornography to help me to have an orgasm. But feel terribly guilty when thinking about something else while sleeping with my husband!
He is perfect and just wants to satisfy me, but then if I don't have orgasm, he won't let me please him to have an orgasm.
He says orgasms is not as good as pleasuring me.
I don't know what to do. And I feel like someone has stolen my clitoris. And it feels like such hard work.
Dr. Eve Replies:
I wonder if you have ever found your own clitoris, if you have ever had an orgasm when alone?I so hope you have or do you mean that you have never had an orgasm- that's it.
Your sexual history is layered with ambiguity: at some level you have used your sexuality to give you power/money and yet you are so distant from your own pleasure.I hear how hard you tried to forgive (punish?) yourself for multiple partners by becoming nun like with your husband. And dammit, your sexual body will not go along this virginal path with you. It remains stiff and pre orgasmic.
At this time of 16 Days of Activism it hurts me to hear how your sexuality has been the cause of your distress. Many women have this need to please a man- I see it as a form of self abuse,denial of our rights as women to pleasure, brought on by fear of rejection, sneering that we take too long to orgasm.
It sounds as if you are a victim of this thinking. Now you have the safety of a marriage and a caring husband the challenge is for you to let go and give yourself permission to relax into your own body and with time, orgasm.
I encourage you to get your confidence via your own self stimulation. Instead of further struggling, try out a sex toy which is sure to get you orgasmic. Since I have no information about your sexual needs, I say try out one of the new Rabbit toys just arrived in store.The beauty of this toy is that it can stimulate your vagina separately from your clitoral area so you really can play with your own sensational needs.
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