Everybody’s sex drive is highest when meeting someone new. The human brain loves novelty, unfamiliarity and unpredictability.
Q: After I have an orgasm, I’m too sensitive and carrying on is really difficult for me. How can we work on this?
Work on this? Hmm, not sure you need to “work ” on this. “Working” on sex is the antithesis of what sexuality is about, namely fun, play, creative expression, intimacy, just having a jolly good time! And worrying about performance will make you anxious and anxiety heightens sensitivity. Having said this, I’m not minimising your sensitivity as many women feel this way post orgasm and I hear that you (or your partner) want to extend playtime. I’m hoping your desire is motivated by your own consent and not a partner nagging for more. You have two choices: Since women have capacity for multiple orgasms, I encourage you to take the focus off genital play and see if stimulating other areas of your body will arouse you, if so go with this arousal. Enjoy the sensations, the closeness it brings you and a partner, even if you do not become orgasmic again. The second choice is to accept you are done, and find other ways of pleasuring your partner, if he or she is not yet done.
Check out this video to find out more about #femaleorgasms.
Q: Is there a limit on how much anal you can have? Also how can you make sure anal is as pain free and as clean as possible?
No butt is meant for sexual penetration. It amuses me how butts have become trendy sexual places when there actually isn’t a lot of direct pleasure that women gain from this form of stimulation. Guys enjoy having anal penetration either with a finger, a toy or a penis as they get prostate stimulation. For women, it’s simply painful. Unless you get your clitoris stimulated simultaneously, or enjoy the pressure you get on your vagina from the anus being penetrated, there is seldom physical pleasure or orgasm from pure anal. However your mind may love this challenge, this pleasing of a partner, this breaking of a possible taboo. Or you may well be an anal-loving woman. Preparation is so necessary for you to minimise pain and mostly avoid anal tearing which heightens your chances of STIs. If you are concerned about messiness, begin with an enema. However, if you regularly practice anal penetration, daily enemas are not ideal. An emptied out bowel should be more than good enough.
Begin with teasing your anus. Let your partner wear a latex glove or a condom as he/she explores your perineum, the area between your vaginal opening and anal opening. Using lots of anal lube, slip a finger inside your anus, then two then three. This allows the sphincter muscles that surround the anus, to relax, to get used to being entered, as you breathe and relax those muscles. Once comfortable with this, insert a thin silicone vibe inside your anus. By inserting larger and larger vibes, you’ll soon be ready for a penis. My golden rules: condom and anal lube plus consent.
Read this informative blog on #analsex.
Q: I find myself getting lazy to have sex and not really wanting it. How do I change this? I have really great sex with my partner but can go for a week not doing it. What could be wrong?
I love how women have become sexually emancipated. I don’t love how there is a backlash that says women who do not want sexual play 24/7 have something wrong with them. Everybody’s sex drive is highest when meeting someone new. The human brain loves novelty, unfamiliarity and unpredictability. This is not sustainable over a period of time. After six months, you kind of are over the initial thrill. So be sure to adjust your expectations of your sex drive. Accept that it’s just never going to be like this again… Until the next new partner, hence the seduction of the online world. Chatting, sexting and dating keep you sexually aroused, until you meet offline and then over time it becomes all too becomes familiar.
Lets add in a few other factors that kick your sex drive to the curb. Oral contraceptives can lower your desire and more significantly, can be the cause of painful penetration. If this is happening to you, get off the pill and consult about another form of contraception. Pain is a big reason why many women silently avoid sex. Bring on the baby and say goodbye to your sexuality. Fatigue is the culprit, and the longing for some time alone can lead you to losing your sexual interest. Add to that your changed body which may freak you out to the point where you feel self conscious and shut down sexually. And this only worsens after the second baby.
- Adjust your sexual expectations – focus on quality rather than quantity.
- Accept that you may feel different “down there”. Do kegel exercises to tighten your pelvic floor muscles.
- Ensure your relationship is healthy – anger, guilt and resentment kill desire.
- Use a sex toy to remind yourself just how fabulous sex can be.
- Date nights are essential, just to connect, without expectation of sex afterwards.
- Stop pathologising yourself.
Q: Is the g-spot a real thing? Can I get directions please?
There is no SPOT with a G on it. Which means you can take the pressure off yourself, or a partner, to find one particular spectacular spot inside your vagina. The jury is still out on whether or not there is a zone inside the vagina that when stimulated, will give women extraordinary orgasms, even ejaculations. The thinking is that when there is direct stimulation about one third into the vagina, on the anterior wall (around belly button area), a different sort of orgasm happens for some women. What is actually happening is that the urethral sheath is being stimulated. However, there is truth in that some women can indeed ejaculate, also called “gush”, when they experience deep vaginal penetration.
Its called prostate ejaculation, as it is made up of prostatic fluid coming from the urethral sponge. It is not pee (smell and taste the difference), it can happen spontaneously and not every time. I think it’s worth the fun of playing around inside your vagina, doing it with curiosity rather than the pressure to find your G zone. The best way to go about this fun is to invite a partner to do a “come hither” motion with fingers inside your vagina. Best to do it when you are highly aroused, very engorged, wet and ripe for an orgasm. On your own, it’s impossible to do this exploration alone. Hence the joy of a good G-zone vibrator.
Q: How do you choose the right lube?
Lubes are essential #101 for any love making experience. They ease you into penetration, erase discomfort, and embarrassment around having a not-so-wet vagina. And oh boy, they are your number one companion for masturbating yourself or a partner. Of course they make wearing a condom so much easier and more pleasurable.
My guide to essential lubricants:
Lubricants are the new bubble gum = you just can’t do without them. The range is overwhelming.
- Silicone lubes are recommended for genital pain disorders as they are longer lasting than water based lube. Also for ageing women, women in early /surgical menopause. I love the Pjur Woman’s Body glide.
- For silkiness sensation try the new silky Astroglide Liquid Lube.
- For a quickie, hand jobs and blow jobs, water based lube is perfect. I recommend Dr Eve Lube, Assegai, Durex Play and Systems Jo Agape.
- Avoid flavoured and perfumed lubes if you are prone to bladder and vaginal infections.
- Anal lubes are very popular. Try the Systems Jo Anal lube as as well as Pjur Backdoor, for a safe pain free sexual experience.
- Want him to delay ejaculating? Pjur Superhero Performance Spray is highly recommended. Use together with a condom of course.
- Do you wish to increase clitoral sensitivity in a safe way? Genital stimulants are the new trend. Try Zestra which is exclusive to me and imported from the USA. And for more budget conscious women, use Intimate Organics Clitoral gel.
- Warming sensations on your genitals? Try natural Intimate Organics Melt warming lube or try a tingle with Durex – no menthol, no burning, just a warming sensation that will melt your heart and body with joy.
- For those searching for cool sensations, use natural Pjur Cool it adds to the fun as it cools your vagina safely.
- And if you still have energy after all this silky, slidey fun, indulge in a Durex 2-in-1 Massage.
- Moisturisers are for vaginas that are thirsty. Use them daily. Insert into your vagina. Choose from any one of my imported range of Sliquid and best seller LIQUID SILK moisturisers.