Has there ever been a time in your life when you have  got so angry that you ended up hurting someone you care about ? With words, not actions, just words. Words that left you looking around and wondering  out of whose mouth did those words  just come?

Once you have returned to emotional regulation, you can be present  and rational enough to see the visible signs of your angry words on that person : tears on his/her/their face, turtling up, escaping , or shutting down into heavy silence.   .

Past angry words, the immediate feeling you may experience is relief as your body almost collapses into exhaustion.  You’ve discharged a lot of built up energy by releasing  your angry words. Then you see the the repercussions of your angry words on your partner/child/colleague/friend. And shame, blame, guilt or defensiveness sets in.

Anger serves an important purpose in our survival. It gives us words to use against an enemy.  except your partner is not your enemy. It also inspires action in a situation in which you feel powerless,  trapped, depressed or anxious. it gives you the needed energy to releases yourself from tremendous fear.

Some of the primary emotions, like fear or sadness, can be found underneath the anger. Fear includes things like anxiety and worry, and sadness comes from the experience of loss, disappointment or discouragement. Uncertainty , fear of loss , fear of failure are prime drivers of anger. I hope that you are getting that this is not an “anger management ” problem. Rather an inability to mange terrible feelings in a healthy and controlled manner.

Unfortunately if it is not well managed, the harm it causes to you , a partner and a relationship , can be irreparable – even deadly.

Some signs that your anger is not normal include:  an inability to control your anger. feeling compelled to do, or doing, violent or impulsive things because you feel angry, such as driving recklessly or destroying things. staying away from certain situations because you’re anxious or depressed about your angry words. 

Excessive anger  puts your physical wellbeing at risk. In the short term, anger can cause headaches, migraines, chest pains, aches and more. Over the long term, anger issues can further complicate pre-existing health conditions. It can also put you at risk for hypertension, high blood pressure, depression, and cardiovascular issues.

Linger to consider the harm angry words have on your partner.

When uttered by someone who loves you and you love back, angry words cut deeper than one imagines.

Perhaps the apology has been done ,”I lost my temper and said something stupid”  promises  are made not to use angry words again , yet the sting remains. And is triggered at most unexpected time and ways .

Your partner  may wonder did he/she/they really mean the angry words spoken . And for th person who spoke that angry words, you may feel that you will never be forgiven or get out of this trap of resentment and coldness that is now your partner. And you spend too much time explaining and re explaining why you said the words you did in anger– only you have to repeat this again — and yet again .

Your angry words makes your partner  feel put off, upset, intimidated, afraid, or many  other unpleasant emotions. You’re running the risk of pushing loved ones out of your life for good.

Do you ever feel like your anger might be getting out of control? Do you have trouble calming down when you get angry? How do you express these feelings? What angry words do you use? Do you go in for character assassination , criticism , or verbal abuse ? When you are angry, do your true feelings come out in angry words?

 The first step to eliminate negative angry patterns is for each partner to identify his or her anger style and what deeper and vulnerable emotions he or she may be feeling underneath. The second is to become aware of their effect on the other partner. Here is a useful list of Anger Styles for you to use as a first step in taking responsibility for the negative impact your angry words has on your life and , your partner and your intimate relationship.

I urge you to seek out professional assistance if you recognise that you feel out of control of  your angry words. Angry words are  a precursor to Intimate Partner Violence . Each one of these steps is an escalator to Gender Based Violence.

Anger styles : 

1. Snapping

This anger style is often more of a bark rather than a bite. “Snapping”  is meant as a warning sign: “Do not approach.”

2. Nitpicking

Expressing your   resentment by sniping, sarcasm, criticism, nagging, mean-spirited teasing, or snarky comments

Differentiate this  from a verbally aggressive and emotionally abusive relationship.  In abusive relationships, one partner deliberately tries to devalue, demean, or make the other feel bad, so the hurt partner will agree with, validate, or do what the offending partner wants.


3. Slow Burn and Eruption

You have difficulty asking for what you want, so you swallow your resentments, disappointments, and thwarted desires until you can no longer tolerate the way you feel. At that point, you are likely to erupt into a tirade of rageful accusations and explosive threats.

4. Rapid-Fire Extermination

This mode appears intended to annihilate the other partner’s status in the relationship. It is a focused attack, a verbal machine gun, using whatever is more likely to undermine and devalue any defense on the part of your partner. Partners who use this anger style need to win at any cost by silencing the other, then immediately disconnecting.

5. Hit and Run

Angry partners who are fearful of their partner’s response often wait to express their own negative feelings when they can rapidly disconnect before facing retaliation.

6. Cold Withdrawal

You  deploy patronizing, robotic silence during your angry interludes. This behavior may last for a short time or for days, and usually does not end until you get what you want.

7. Martyrdom

Continuous, repressed anger that is blamed on the other partner can easily turn into martyrdom. Martyrdom is a silent, self-effacing anger style but effectively communicates cumulative distress

8. Escape

Some people cannot bear any kind of angry interactions and will use any means to avoid them. The most typical of those behaviors is to abuse alcohol or other drugs. But any addictive escape behaviors can be just as effective, even those that appear on the outside to be more legitimate like intense working out, spending huge amounts of time committed to work or hobbies.

9. Bank Shots

You express anger through “bank shots” by bringing in the “troops” for additional support during an angry interaction. When you feel that you are losing an argument, you bring in the opinions of others that your partner respects.

10. Revenge

This style is the most damaging to a relationship. You are  intentional in your goal to inflict damage and to vanquish the other. You do so by using wipe-out statements, character assassination, attacks on your partner’s most vulnerable states, and threats of abandonment or exile. To retaliate, you intend to annihilate your partner any way you can.

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