DEAR DR EVE NEWSLETTER – 15 TH FEBRUARY 2021
“Dear Dr. Eve
Maybe this sounds weird, but after sex, I often feel anxious and
sometimes get depressed. I am confused by this as I really want to be
sexual with my partner. Currently, I am with a man whom I badly want to
please. My partner tends to lose his erection which makes him so upset.
It’s important that I sort out this anxious feeling that I have so I can be
sexual with him more often and help him feel like a man. However, I
know that I have felt anxious with other men after sex too.
Can you help me?
What a burden you carry! Trying to make a man feel masculine and
manly in bed is not your responsibility. Ensuring he has an erection is not
your job. One hopes that a partner is sexually aroused whilst with you,
and if not, then of course a difficult conversation must happen. A
respectful, caring, and compassionate conversation.
Bare in mind that you’re up against a whole patriarchal system that says
an erection is a sign of masculinity. So for starters may I invite you to
resign from your job as Masculinity Make Over of your man. And if
possible, get your man to a health care provider to check out his health.
Let’s focus on your post sexual anxiety. Other than your role as a sexual
surrogate, perhaps there are other factors that cause you anxiety. I’m
going to give you a list of probabilities and invite you to tick off those that
apply to you.
Once you have identified your specific causes, please ditch your partner if
he/she is the cause of your anxiety, and seek out professional assistance
to focus on your own relationship with attachments and intimacy.
- Because sex is hyped to be “natural”, “easy”, it is easy to feel
anxious when things get real: smells, silences, noises, juices.
- Comments made by current or present partner/s about your body
- If you suffer from depression /anxiety, you avoid sex, so when you
have sex it can feel awkward, distant, and pressured.
- A past history of sexual violence or trauma can make you anxious in
the present and trigger past memories
- Monthly hormonal fluctuations can cause anxiety, sadness,
- Shame or guilt around sex
- Daily stresses/to-do list settles in immediately after sex (or during
- Cannabis may worsen anxiety
- Alcohol is a depressant that may allow you to have sex but makes
you feel depressed afterward.
- Fear of intimacy can get you to feel anxious or sad after the
the tender vulnerability of sex
- Partner makes you feel unsafe: no respect of your boundaries
before, during, or after sex.
- Partner is self-centered and does not tend to your pleasure or