“Dear Dr. Eve
My partner refuses to use lube.
He says that if I need lube it means that I am not aroused by him. It means that he is not a good lover. He says that no woman who is with him needs lube as he will do the work and get her sufficiently aroused.
The truth is I don’t enjoy sex as I don’t feel connected with him at all. So I am dry. He is so focused on me having orgasms that sex is like this big obstacle course I have to get through every time.
How do I deal with this situation?
As I read your letter, I notice that sex is all about your man. It all refers back to him, right ?! It is his ego, his masculinity, his pride that comes to bed with you. This is the part that is focused on his own social and cultural messages about how men behave in bed: performance-oriented, dominant, orgasm-driven.
He leaves behind the human part of himself, the part that we all have, the part that craves connection and pleasure and results in a slowed-down sexual experience, which is mutually satisfying.
It is such. a burden for your man- and too many other men- to carry and so it results in a sexual experience for both of you, that is way less satisfying than it could be.
Negotiating lube may feel like negotiating many other differences in your relationship. This one happens to be about sexuality. When differences occur, as they will in every relationship, we all automatically put up our defenses. We feel threatened and afraid, bark at a partner, or shut down into silence. And then the resolve nor repair never happens.
Your partner is using the “lube refusal “ as a defense of his manhood. Perhaps find a way to lower his defenses. Let him know that you appreciate how attentive he is to you, and appreciate how hard he works during the asexual episode. And say to him:” there is no rush, we have time”. Or perhaps say to him: “you can be vulnerable “.
For your own comfort, I suggest you insert LIQUID SILK VAGINAL MOISTURIZER before sexual play. In this way, you are assured of vaginal comfortability.”