“Dear Dr. Eve,
I am a confused 36-year-old (heterosexual) man so please help me out.
On dates, women respond to me, they appear to be enjoying my
company and are, as flirty with me as I am with them. If we make out,
they never say no when I stop outside my place rather than taking them home. Once we are both naked on the bed, I insert my penis into her vagina. But then she kind of goes silent and is no longer playful. She just lies there. And after that, she never returns my calls.
What am I doing wrong?
A few facts for you to know about vaginas before I get onto consent and the link between vaginas and consent :
The vagina is a vault, not a circular space with a round hole at its
entrance. When not aroused, it happily rests inside a woman’s
– pelvic floor region.
– For the health and pleasure of a woman, her vagina needs to be
lubricated and engorged before any kind of penetration happens.
– Having an erect penis jammed inside an unaroused vagina is
unpleasant and even painful.
– Fooling around with the deliberate intention to arouse a woman is necessary for any kind of vaginal penetration to be safe and
Let’s turn our attention to “Consent “. Sexual consent must be given by both people, who are sober, the person can change her/his/they mind at any time, both must be informed about what is going to happen, specifics must be spoken about and enthusiasm must be shown at all times.
“Enthusiasm “ is shown through voice and the body.. mostly the body.
Think about it: when you are in the throes of sexual arousal, you may not be as eloquent as usual and end up making sounds, or repeating one-word sentences or silences.
But the marvelous body lets you know a lot about Consent: for example, you notice that the women you sex, become motionless and silent. Her body has shut down as her unaroused vagina is being pounded, without her consent.
And Kyle, I am not judging you as you are a product of a society that is penis-centric and teaches – that penis-into-vagina equals “Sex”. I shudder when I watch on-screen scenes in which this kind of thrusting happens and the woman is seen to enjoy it. Of course, this kind of spontaneous consensual thrusting is tremendously exciting – if both people have given consent to this pleasurable experience.
Here are some body signs for you to notice and to take really seriously.
Once you notice her body, then you use your words and check with her if you are correctly gaging her consent. There are similar responses to excitement as there are to anxiety/distress and freeze responses are motionless, numbness :
Pulling you closer
Actively touching, kissing, hugging
Relaxed body & facial expressions
Pushing you away
Holding their arms tightly around their body
Uncomfortable or painful facial expressions
Turning away from you or hiding their face
Not responding to your touch