All the different players in his body and current situation, have to come together at the right time, in unison, to create one fine resounding crescendo.


Think of a man’s orgasm as a symphony orchestra, with each instrument having to be in tune and in time, to create majestic sounds. The conductor is responsible for bringing in each instrument and controlling the mood and the tempo. Any distraction will disturb the concentration of the musicians, so concentrate they must.

For a man to have an orgasm, and to enjoy the emission and ejaculation that follows, he has to concentrate really hard. All the different players in his body and current situation, have to come together at the right time, in unison, to create one fine resounding crescendo. It’s all fall down after that so he really wants a good shot at it first time round.

The orgasm itself occurs in two phases, emission and ejaculation. In emission, the man reaches ejaculatory inevitability, the “point of no return”. Semen is deposited near the top of the urethra, ready for ejaculation. Ejaculation occurs in a series of rapid-fire contractions of the penile muscles and around the base of the anus. Involuntary pelvic thrusting may also occur. The nerves causing the muscle contractions send messages of pleasure to the man’s brain. In summary he needs healthy nerves, blood flow, hormones and a relaxed mind and they all have to work together simultaneously.

My empathy for men is at its highest when hearing about their orgasm challenges. So much self esteem, sexual confidence and sense of masculinity revolves around getting this orchestral arrangement to work. I say to them “Stop. Breathe. Think.” Then as their anxiety abates, they can hear me as I tell the story of men and orgasms.

Men and the men and/or women who lie with them, expect spontaneous erections irrespective of age, state of mind and health, attraction, trauma and alcohol intake. And then once he has achieved and can sustain this ever ready erection, the expectation is that he will mount you and thrust for as long as it takes for a woman to orgasm. There is still the erroneous belief that women orgasm primarily from vaginal thrusting, so he attempts to thrust for as long as possible until this magical event happens. And it seldom does happen as she needs clitoral stimulation. Which takes between 20-30 minutes. And when he reflexively ejaculates after 2/3 minutes, he is crushed, crawls into a ball and reinforces his sense of sexual failure.

New male orgasmic trends emerge. Tick off your bundle of orgasmic nerves.

Men fake orgasm. When University of Kansas researchers surveyed college students, they found that 28 percent of guys had faked an orgasm with their partner. About one-third of those men said they’d been too drunk to orgasm, and almost half said their main reason for faking was because they wanted to go to sleep. If you are faking, time to come clean with yourself and partner/s. It will catch up with you and you’ll be called a cheater for keeping this secret.

Although premature ejaculation can occur during other sexual activity, it is only defined as a disorder in the case of vaginal intercourse, as a time duration for oral or manual stimulation has not been established.

Another trend: Men prefer porn and masturbation over partner sex. They last longer as they are more relaxed, have heightened sexual arousal thus can control this embarrassing reflexive response that just needs lots of work and time to tame. I suggest you take the time to renegotiate sexual behaviour with a partner. Get honest and discuss intimacy needs, uncover relationship resentments whilst still keeping porn/masturbation as your additional private play.

Yet another trend: Delayed ejaculation. Many more men are on antidepressants, specifically SSRIs, which inhibit ejaculation. Routinely men are exposed to and choose to watch porn. They find their true erotic orientation online so In Real Life their arousal cues may not be met. They are simply not that aroused with the kind of sex they are having at home. Hence the delay or absence of ejaculation. I suggest sharing your real erotic turn ons. You may well be surprised at how your partner is willing to experiment and even share her/his own with you.

Not a new trend: Men reporting early, even premature, ejaculation. Premature or early ejaculation is defined as the man feels unable to control his orgasm, and climaxes in less than one minute after vaginal penetration. Clinically this is called measuring his Intra Vaginal Ejaculation Latency Time (IELT)

Diagnostically you can only call yourself an “early ejaculator” if you experience the disorder 75 percent-100 percent of the time. Moreover, there is now a required minimum duration of approximately 6 months. Finally, in order to make a diagnosis, the disorder must be deemed to have caused significant distress. Although premature ejaculation can occur during other sexual activity, it is only defined as a disorder in the case of vaginal intercourse, as a time duration for oral or manual stimulation has not been established.

I was fascinated to read research stating men’s orgasmic expectations. With these over-stated expectations it is no wonder that male orgasmic problems are the number one presenting problems in any sex therapists practice. Men believe –

* Adequate length of IELT = 7 – 20.3 minutes

* Desirable length of IELT = 10 -25 minutes

* Actual length of IELT = 6 – 15 minutes

* Too short IELT = 2 – 5 minutes

* Too long IELT = 10 – 60 minutes


Premature, early and delayed ejaculation are caused by certain medications. Talk to your healthcare provider about changing your medications to have least noxious sexual side effects.

Anxiety is the primary cause of male orgasmic dysfunction. Seek professional assistance to manage your anxiety. Mindfulness as part of psychotherapy, is the most successful intervention.

Relationship stress causes anxiety. Consult a couple and sex therapist to manage your relationship.

Past sexual abuse or trauma interferes with sexual intimacy. Orgasmic dysfunctions are a result of this trauma. Seek professional assistance to manage your trauma.

Over the counter products are harmful not helpful.

Medication exists for managing early ejaculation. Together with therapy/mindfulness, a great outcome can be expected.

I urge you to become informed about male physiology, modify your orgasmic expectations and you can then expect many happy endings.