The kids are finally asleep, you’re feeling close and connected with him and want to let him know that you’re in the mood for some love making. In a flash the memory of pain gets you to catch your breathe. And you don’t. You don’t let him know that you desire sex with him. You refrain from turning down the lights ,putting on your favourite music playlist and experiencing what could be and should be, a pain free sexual encounter with your man.
Or else you go through the motions , and stay silent as he penetrates you, as you do not want to spoil “the moment” , disappoint him – again- or perhaps you fear his response to your “not in the mood” story that you have been telling to avoid the sexual pain that you experience – and cannot tell him.
I am so happy to bring you OHNUT.
Designed with renowned clinicians, OHNUT is the first intimate wearable redefining sexual pain. It is a soft compressible buffer made from 4 rings, that can be used together or individually to adjust when penetration feels too deep, without sacrificing sensation for you or your partner.
OHNUT was first launched in 2018, to customise penetration depth so women could best manage pain with penetration .
Let’s break the silence on sexual pain . I believe that OHNUT offers women and couples the opportunity to do just that.
A 2019 study asked cis-women, whose last sexual encounter was painful, whether they told their partner or not (Carter et al., 2019).
Half of them spoke up, and half of them didn’t.
Are you a woman who speaks up? if so , tell us when, why and how you did this? And if not, share what holds you back from letting your partner know that you experience pain with penetration .
Here are common reasons why women do not speak up when sex is uncomfortable: :
- “Its not that bad” : if the pain is not “too bad”, its not worth speaking up about it.
- Pain is expected and “normal” : what is “normal ” pain for sex, they ask ,and consequently push through.Women expect to have and endure pain generally.
- Prioritizing my partner : sex will be over quickly, at least he has an orgasm, and anyway he would not care if I am in pain
- Don’t want to make it awkward: Women want to protect male’s feelings and don’t want to spoil “the moment “
- Shame on you /your family : cultural expectations that sex should be “normal” , pain -free
- Triggers past traumas: avoid talking about this to a partner so push through the pain
- Embarrassment and shame as a woman that my body is broken /deficient
Perhaps you’re wondering why tell at all.. why take the risk of loosing your partner’s respect, spoiling his fun and unsettling the relationship. Whilst deeply acknowledging the difficulty of telling, Ill tell you why you should tell :
- You deserve to be pain free. No women should experience any sexual pain at all, ever. Sexual pain usually occurs when there is a medical/hormonal/medication reason. Endometriosis, genito- pelvic pain disorders, cancer treatments, menopause, post childbirth, post hysterectomy, sexual and emotional traumas cause pain. And relationship struggles, such as loss of trust, guilt, fear, infidelity and betrayal will cause women’s genitals to become inflamed, contract her pelvic floor muscles and voila, there is pain.
- He would not want to hurt you if he knew you were in pain. It is a wonderful opportunity for a couple to work collaboratively on their sexuality.
- It allows for moving out the traditional hetero- normative model of being sexual and more creative sexual expression may emerge. After all besides orgasms, the purpose of sexual encounters is to gain feelings of warmth, relaxation and connection.
Covid-19 has brought heightened anxiety, depression , suicidal ideation, loneliness, relationship tension – and all these mental health difficulties will exacerbate, even cause, sexual pain with penetration .
Speaking up about your sexual pain may now feel more challenging than pre covid-19. Both of you are under unusual stress and so you may feel the risks are higher. On the other hand, you may be surprised that this time together allows experimenting on ways to be sexual in a more tpainfree and comfortable manner.
Here are some ways on how to manage this tense situation of sexual pain during covid-19 lockdown :
- Acknowledge that your stress responses differ : one of you may turn to more frequent partner sex as a way of self soothing through orgasm, touching intimately , to gain feelings of safety and security. On the other hand your body may be responding to stress through more flare ups and muscle contractions – exacerbating you sexual pain.
- You need lots of self care and self compassion to regulate your emotions – and sexual fears. Before speaking to a partner, it is essential that you are in a more emotionally regulated space
- Many women* with sexual pain notice their symptoms get worse as the day goes on (sometimes due to stress, long work days, sitting too much, exhaustion, etc.) so make an effort to connect earlier in the day.
- Invite him to have this specific conversation with you. It is not a good idea to do it during a sexual session.
- Introduce OHNUT to him
OHNUT is available right now in my store . Order yours today : https://drevestore.co.za
PS. Do not forget to add lubricant with your OHNUT order .