Shudder as I recall my Break Ups, from divorce to being ghosted online. They hurt so bad. It’s an actual physical ache, right ? You use language such as ” hurt, pain , ache. Right! Science tells us that rejection , which is what a break up feels like, is a real physical illness.
These hormones prepare you for fight or flight. yet there is no one to fight with and no where to run from the pain . So you’re pretty much stuck with these stress hormones in your body.
Your muscles swell , headaches happen , a stiff neck sets in , and your tight chest makes breathing difficult . Cramps, diarrhoea, no appetite are common and you may end up with a “break up cold ” as your immune system is compromised . Let’s add in sleep disturbance to this mix of break up physical symptoms.
As disturbing is what happens to your mind. You just can’t make rational decisions because your brain is on fire , believing it is in treacherous trouble. Your brain is also in a state of withdrawal : it longs for the love, which is why you cant stop thinking about this person.
Which is why you go back again — and again , knowing this person and relationship are really no good for you.
Your brain has to readjust to the loss of this intimate connection , this happy dopamine feeling. And even when it was not happy, your brain needs to readjust to the loss of physical touch, and intimate emotional connection.
The top reason why people break up is lack of commitment . How fascinating is that ! For a relationship to be a relationship, reciprocity has to exist. In an age of mass choice , people are loathe to commit, thinking there is someone better. So you may still have a traditional mind set as in , we have regular sexual play, we have regular communication , we go out, Ive met his/her/they family friends .. ergo.. commitment. No way. This is aching to discover your person is not your person.
Choose which reason bit you in the ass :
- Bad behaviour – alcohol, over spending money
- Infidelity
- Anger constantly directed at you
- Lack of support for your personal life and goals
- Over control /abuse
- Withholding affection and attention
- Lying
- Sex stops happening
- Communication issues
- Add on your own ..
GUIDE TO A HEALTHY ENDING:
You no longer feel the same about this person . You dont want romance, sexual play and traditional commitment, You may want to keep this person in your life. and You definitely do not want to hurt them. You merely want to move the relationship into another form such as friendship or only Friends with Benefits. Avoid this :
- I don’t know if I want to be in a committed relationship anymore
- I need time to be on my own
- I need to be single for a while
- I need time
- I need space
- I need a break
- I need time to improve myself.
Honest is the way to go. Tell them the shift in your feelings and let this person down easy without criticism. Say I no longer feel sexually attracted , I dont see a future together.
2. Let her/him/they know there is someone else. Don’t let them find out you were cheating. Heartbreak intensifies at the deception .
3. It’s a real challenge not to call, message, try meet up . You want the pain to go away , you cant bear the physical symptoms of love withdrawal. Rationally you cant remember why it is good idea not to be back in the relationship. Contact with your ex will still your brain and bring you temporary relief.. only to be thrust into pain after the ending is confirmed by further rejection . Work really hard at avoiding reaching out. Do yoga, be close to friends and family as you go into acceptance.
4. Accept that you feel scared, overwhelmed and alone in your grief. Know that this feelings will pass and that you will feel differently . Getting there requires you to mourn and not feel ashamed that you long to reach out, and that you ruminate & talk about this person constantly.
5. If it is a nasty ending, revenge anger , revenge porn , cause harm to you and of course to your ex. Block this person off your social media platforms to avoid the deep temptation to follow them and watch where they are and what they are doing. This is guaranteed to keep your trauma going.
6. Nurture yourself , feed yourself, stay in bed, use familiar soothing mechanisms such as exercise, music , walking in nature. There is no way to avoid this process so accept the pain and celebrate a day without heartache.
7. Stop focusing on the ‘WHY ?” . There is never going to be a good enough reason that will satisfy your need for pain alleviation . Rather focus on getting though the dark nights. And restoring your self esteem . It may feel no one will love you again , or that you are unlovable. This too shall pass once you regain confidence and socially connect In Real Life.
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