“Dear Dr. Eve
I grew up with a lot of hardship. My father is unknown to me and my
mother and grandmother were poor, worked hard, were hardly around
and I often went hungry. I battled through school and was kicked out of
different schools for my aggressive behaviour.
Today I am 42 years old and am a proud father of two children and have a
beautiful wife. I was offered a helping hand and became a carpenter and
now I run my own successful business.
The only problem I have now, is porn. I am obsessed with watching porn.
My wife gets so upset and it causes so much fighting between us. I
explain to her that I love her and do not want sex with anyone else. But
she doesn’t believe me. I make promises to stop but I cannot stop.
I need your help, please.
I am going to show you why porn is a part of your life. Just one part of
your life as actually you have many other parts that function well:
husband, entrepreneur, father +++
And actually, this porn part has been a very necessary part of your life.
Sounds strange, right ?! So let me explain what I mean when I say that
porn has saved you from the terrible feelings you experienced – and may still continue to experience when triggered- as a result of your early childhood trauma.
Trauma is usually defined by the following three markers:
- An extremely stressful event or series of events . Such as multiple
events that create a “rough“ childhood.
- A sense of helplessness that overwhelms our normal ability to cope.
- A diminished sense of self that wounds our ability to feel the full
range of human emotions and experiences.
In a nutshell, I like this definition of trauma: trauma is ANYTHING LESS
THAN NURTURING. Nurturance is ultimately tied to being emotionally and
physically attuned to a child in real-time. Nurturance is dependent on
deep attunement and re-attunement between a parent/mother and an
infant child. You did not receive NURTURANCE Guy… there was no
parent/mother to whom you could attune.
In line with your email, one could say that you suffered from
Developmental Trauma Disorder. I say this as according to the ACE
(Adverse Childhood Events ) test, you may tick off a number of these
indicators of childhood trauma.
The ACE names 10 childhood experiences that break down universal
examples of trauma that include: emotional abuse; physical abuse;
sexual abuse; violent treatment of mother; substance use in the
household; mental illness in the household; parental separation or
divorce; incarcerated household member; emotional neglect; and physical
What is important for you to know as relates to your porn part is that this
groundbreaking study finds that there is a compelling link
between “adverse childhood experiences” and later problems.
It increases the likelihood of becoming an alcoholic by 700 percent and
the risk of attempted suicide by 1200 percent.
Compared with people who have zero ACEs, people with ACE scores are
two to four times more likely to use alcohol or other drugs and to start
using drugs at an earlier age. People with an ACE score of 5 or higher are
seven to 10 times more likely to use illegal drugs, to report addiction and
to inject illegal drugs.
They also have a higher risk of chronic disease, mental illness, violence,
being a victim of violence and a bunch of other consequences.
And high ACE score sets you at higher risk of sexual risk-taking and
compulsive behaviors such as compulsive porn viewing.
I turn your attention to the work of Dr. Gabor Mate.
At the heart of Maté’s philosophy is the belief that there’s no such thing
as an “addictive personality”. And nor is addiction a “disease”. Instead, it
originates in a person’s need to solve a problem: a deep-seated
the problem, often from our earliest years that was to do with trauma
He believes that anything we’ve ever craved helped us escape emotional
pain. It gave us peace of mind, a sense of control, and a feeling of
Isn’t this what porn does for you, Guy?
I am sure porn gives you temporary relief and pleasure but also has
negative consequences, even though you return to time and again.
You have a need to solve a problem: a deep-seated problem, often from
your earliest years that was to do with trauma or loss. And porn is your
way out of avoiding feeling the terror of childhood trauma.
I recommend that you work with a Trauma Therapist who will guide you
through your porn part, with compassion and kindness and respect.”