Dear Dr.Eve – My husband had a secret life

Dear Dr.Eve

I have LOST my husband in more ways than one.
Just over a month ago, my husband and I were both diagnosed with
Covid-19, and as sick as we both were, we cared for one another and tried to
remain positive. I was admitted to hospital and days later my husband
was admitted to the same hospital.
We continued to text one another words of encouragement and express
our love as best as we could.
He told me he loves me, and that very night he died. He was 34 years
old. I was distraught and in utter disbelief.
Eventually, I was released from the hospital and I have slowly been
recovering- the emotional pain and heartache are just so intense.
I miss my husband, my BEST friend so much!
Whilst finalizing and sorting out his affairs I have come across an entire
hidden life my husband lead.
He had a separate hidden email and identity which revealed that
he slept with sex workers regularly while I attended work during the day.
I am in so much pain and I am so confused.
Has my marriage been a lie?
I thought we had a beautiful marriage and precious bond, unlike any
other.
My life has been turned UPSIDE down and I have no motivation or any
idea how to move forward.
I am feeling so many emotions currently and I feel like I am drowning.
Please help.
Anonymous

Dr.Eve Replies…

“Dear Anonymous,

I am so sorry for your loss, for your loss of a beloved husband, friend
and partner.
And I am so sorry for the discovery of a part of your husband that you
never knew before his untimely and cruel covid -19 death.

I’m going to invite you to focus on each loss separately. Perhaps this will
assist you to become a little grounded and less overwhelmed.

Stay with the many parts of your husband that you did know. The
husband with whom you had a beautiful marriage and a precious bond,
the husband who was your best friend.

No one gets to feel this way alone. In other words, love is RECIPROCAL,
and if you felt your love was precious and beautiful, it is because you felt
that he too felt the same way. Hold on to that part of your man as your
head twirls and tries to make sense of his other part. Do not let this other
part distract you from what your body tells you is your truth.

This other part – the secret part- is a devastating discovery for you.
People have parts of them that they keep apart, even, secret, from each
other. This ranges from small secrets, like “I had botox and chose not to tell
my husband as he will be angry “ to “I lost money on the stock
exchange and did not tell my partner as I knew I would recover it again “

Your husband’s secret part exposes his vulnerability to you. Perhaps he
had a need to be seen by multiple women, to feel admired, or in control,
or powerful or sexual in a different kind of way. One will never know the
purpose of this secret part of him. I do know that each secret part that
we carry has a purpose, usually a purpose of protection.

And part of your tremendous pain is that he is not here to tell you more
about this secret part .. and you are left hanging, imagining, and more
damaging, questioning your entire marriage and love story.

I encourage you to go for therapy to manage the pain of this secret
discovery. And at all times, remind yourself that the parts of your
husband that you did know, and did admire, were REAL.”

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