As you know, I work with the traumas of intimacy.

After many years, and now proven with robust scientific evidence, I know that sexual problems are problems of intimacy.

Intimacy is feeling safe and secure with a person. Generally, it is a big ask to feel safe and secure with a new lover or even with a long term partner.  Vulnerability, being butt naked, can make the bravest of us, feel uncomfortable and awkward.

Today I invite you to reflect upon the sexual/intimacy problems that people who have survived the trauma of childhood sexual abuse, rape, sexual violation, experience.

You feel scared in an intimate situation, a situation in which you are supposed to feel safe.  The bedroom may feel unsafe, flashbacks may occur… and you are sexually turned off.  Your mind tells you that it is dangerous and unsafe to be naked.  It is difficult to be inside your body, so you slip outside your body.  You once again become the object, the object that you felt when you were being sexually abused.

You disassociate – switch off – and as a woman, you go into servicing him/her/they with duty sex.  As a man, you switch off which results in erection problems.  You turn to Viagra to manage the terror – and intimacy detachment occurs.  You feel scared in your own body.

You don’t feel powerful or in control as your ability to say YES or NO is compromised.

Many sexually traumatized people turn to porn to get turned on by vision as touch feels too terrifying – too intimate.  There is no person to hurt you on the screen… but it feels empty and boring.  And others turn to risky even dangerous sexual experiences.

Here are some ideas on how to take care of yourself during the intimacy of sexuality.


  1. Connection and safety with a lover is essential.  In this way you feel in control.  You develop trust as you feel powerful to manage your Yes/No boundaries.
  2. Love equals arousal.  In other words, if you feel safe, secure love, your body will naturally become aroused.
  3. If you have had trauma in your childhood
  • You are entitled not to feel sexual
  • If you feel terrified, you are entitled not to feel sexual
  • If you are objectified, you are entitled not to feel sexual
  1. Remind yourself that as a child, you were out of control.  Now as an adult, you are in control.
  2. To feel in control, in the moments of sexual intimacy:  place your hand over your partner’s hand and guide it to places on your body.
  3. Dance Movement is an excellent way to get back into your body.
  4. Daily practice of self-care and self-compassion.  This enables you to invite pleasure back into your body.

Feel free to reach out to me via WhatsApp.  Anonymity is guaranteed.  Let me know where your anxieties, fears, and worries sit with you.  Tell me what is soothing for you.  And what you need in this time of radical uncertainty.

060 890 1062

Feel free to book a teletherapy Zoom session with me right here…

For more information please contact my PA Shantel:

Take care