Dear Dr. Eve,

I am unable to have orgasms.  I am 44 years old and have tried so hard. My husband feels bad as he really wants to please me.  He will swallow pills, and even harmful potions to delay his orgasm and keep himself harder and stronger, just so he can do his manly duty and keep penetrating hoping I will have an orgasm.  I am thinking of sleeping with another man to see what is wrong with me.  Please advise me on what to do.

Kaya.

DR EVE REPLIES:

Hello Kaya,

Today I specifically chose to respond to your mail as on 1 November 2020, Betty Dodson died, aged 92 years old.

Betty Dodson, artist, author, and Ph.D. sexologist was the principal voice for women’s sexual pleasure and health for over four decades.  She was my friend and mentor.  She liberated women, gathered them in her New York apartment, and taught them her unique masturbation techniques.  She believed that masturbation was the key to female freedom. Her Bodysex workshops were legendary, helping women overcome pleasure anxiety and embracing their bodies.

So dear Kaya, there is perhaps nothing “wrong” with you, other than ignorance about your sexual body, shyness, conservativism, and a lack of permission to learn how to orgasm, through masturbation.

Use Betty’s method.  I invite you to honor Betty’s memory by clicking on her website and giving it a go. https://dodsonandross.com

Betty always began her workshop with a genital self-examination.  If you have not yet done this, find a private place for yourself, place a good-sized mirror between your legs, and have a labeled diagram of the vulva, right there.  Pull aside your lips and find the parts of your vulva as seen on the diagram.  Each vulva looks different and as one age the color, tone, and shape of your vulva will change. Fascinating!

There is no right or wrong way to masturbate.  The fun is trying out different strokes, rhythms, with or without panties.  You need fantasy, a good lube, even a stimulating lube, such as SASSY SLIQUID LUBE.  Expect to be distracted, maybe feel self-conscious.  Be aware of these distracting thoughts, allow them to come into your mind, and allow them to flow out.

Have a vibrator or 2 handy.  Clitoral vibes are the way to go but include a vibrating vaginal vibe too.  You may want to try this out once you’ve touched yourself and got comfortable with yourself.  If you’re hesitant about vibrators, consider this:

WHY DO WOMEN USE VIBRATORS?

  • Convenient
  • Guaranteed orgasm
  • It’s easy
  • Explore different forms of orgasms
  • To make up for what they don’t receive from a partner

 

Just as the Yellow Pages became redundant so has struggling to become orgasmic, become redundant.  Cheating will hurt you so bad if found out. Spend that time with your own sexuality.  And once you’ve confidently learned how to become orgasmic, with kindness and respect, teach your partner/s.

  1. Visit my online store for a great range of sex toyswww.drevestore.co.za

Take care

Dr Eve

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Take care

Marlene