Keeping flames alight during lockdown


I am constantly asked by the media to write about “How to keep the flame alive during lockdown”.  I don’t think they much like my responses.  They want sexy suggestions, new erotic positions, dress up and date night ideas.  My world is filled with people in emotional pain – pain at the loss of freedoms, loneliness, fear of illness, and longing for real-life touching and socializing with grandchildren, friends, and colleagues.

I am not diminishing your need for sexual connection.  I see this time as an opportunity for new possibilities across all sectors of your life – including your intimate life.  Sexuality is healing, giving, receiving, restorative, calming, and oh-so pleasurable.  Here are my ideas for you to have some form of that.


Humans are programmed to seek connection with others. In order to have a healthy safe and satisfying connection with a locked-down partner, it is vital to practice daily self-care.  Once you have this as your regular practice, you will boost your mood and be more available for romance and intimacy.

Self-care includes all that quietens the mind:  daily journaling, meditation, mat work (yoga/Pilates, Qi gong), nature, music, and movement.


The inclination for romance and sexual activity may be low.  Naturally. Anxiety is high due to radical uncertainty, unpredictability, confused messaging from the government, and ongoing changes within medical science.  Anxiety is not sexy.  Here is how to boost your mood.  A boosted mood lets you feel in control of your own life.  And consequently, that allows you to feel more interested in connecting intimately.

Create an Activity Schedule – there are 3 types of activities that boost your mood:

  • Pleasure Activities: things you enjoy doing in the day, activities that you look forward to doing.
  • Activities that accomplish something: small everyday tasks such as showering, cooking a meal, a small piece of a project.
  • Avoidance Activities: daily take a small step to get done one activity that you put off.


Notice and comment on the small daily interactions. Despite living together 24/7, you each long to be seen.  Use the 3 A’s to notice each other: Appreciation > Affection > Acknowledgment.

For example:

“This morning I noticed your patience when doing homeschooling with our child”.

“I appreciated that you included my favourite vegetable for dinner”.

“I liked seeing you in the shower this morning”.


Become an interesting person.  This is done when you independently socialize online and in your house with a lockdown family. Cook separately, shop at different times, and in different stores.  Watch different series and listen to your own podcasts.  Discuss your thoughts and experiences. Share stories with each other.  Socially connect with each other, find each other interesting, through novel experiences you are each having.  This makes you sexy to your partner.


It always begins with self-grooming and self-pride. No matter what your lockdown body looks like. Touch and closeness maybe your longing.  A desire for relaxation, orgasm, alone, together with, or side by side, your person is a choice you as an adult make collaboratively with your partner.


Sex toys are a wonderful way to take the pressure off both you and your personality.  Whether it is a lubricant or a vibrator, use it to show your person what you enjoy.  It may be the first time you allow yourselves raw sexual honesty and vulnerability.  Sex toys are just fabulous for single people, people dating and people Living Apart Together.

Feel free to reach out to me via WhatsApp. Anonymity is guaranteed.  Let me know where your anxieties, fears, and worries sit with you. Tell me what is soothing for you.  And what you need in this time of radical uncertainty.

060 890 1062

Feel free to book a teletherapy Zoom session with me right here…

For more information please contact my PA Shantel:

Take care

Marlene #stayhome

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