On numerous occasions, I am sure you have heard me say that the success of a relationship lasting is not the “love” and “sex”.

Rather it is how “safe” and “secure” you feel with a person.

The safer and more secure you feel with your person, the more you trust and consequently, your intimacy deepens.  And we all know that deeper intimacy leads to… sex

Your sense of personal safety and security is formed by your specific and particular Attachment Style.  Or styles, as our attachments change over time and with different people.

Attachment is the strong emotional connection you form with others to fulfill your basic human needs.  When we’re children, we’re dependent on caregivers for our survival.  How your parents or guardians cared for you in your first 5 years play a pivotal role in our emotional development.

And from that, you developed an attachment style that informs how you behave in intimate relationships, including close friendships, romantic partnerships, and even with family.

Discovering you and a partner’s Attachment Style is imperative.  Once you know this, you know what will make your person feel safe and secure – and that is where you direct your attention.

Here are the basic Attachment Styles.  And an Attachment Quiz for you.  And share findings.  Then find a therapist who can guide you on how best to manage your different styles.

The purpose is to lead you to safe and secure attachments.


SECURE ATTACHMENT:  When parents recognize and attend to their child’s needs on a consistent basis, the child trusts they are there for them.  As a secure adult, you show up authentically in relationships, can eye gaze, manage conflict and maintain affection and autonomy.

ANXIOUS / PRE-OCCUPIED ATTACHMENT:  Caregivers were inconsistent and unpredictable with their attentiveness.  Caregivers tend to be overprotective and/or excessively hold and touch the child.

As an ambivalent adult, you fear abandonment, suffer from irrational jealousy, expect to be disappointed, and to feel safe need to know where your partner is all the time and find it hard to trust.

AVOIDANT /DISMISSIVE ATTACHMENT:  Caregivers dismissed your emotional needs or treated you in a detached, aloof way. You might eventually have stopped communicating your emotional needs altogether, believing it had no effect.  As an adult you see yourself as independent, do not ask for help, deny yourself emotional/sexual intimacy as you fear rejection.  Commitment is difficult for you.  You long for attachment yet build a self-isolation bubble around yourself.

DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT:  This is often rooted in unresolved trauma.  This may be trauma you experienced as a child or it could be inherited from a parent who faced severe emotional hardship in their own life.  And so, parenting is unpredictable.  As an adult, you want to love but experience severe stress and fear in relationships. Low self-esteem and belief that you are unlovable inhibit you from attaching to someone.  And when you attach you fear rejection and abandonment.


Feel free to reach out to me via WhatsApp.  Anonymity is guaranteed.  Let me know where your anxieties, fears, and worries sit with you.  Tell me what is soothing for you.  And what you need in this time of radical uncertainty.

060 890 1062

Feel free to book a teletherapy Zoom session with me right here…

For more information please contact my PA Shantel:

Take care

Marlene #stayhome