Hello there,

Click here to see me talk about “THE PORN CONVERSATION”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPIxQTZmGzw

At this time of Covid-19, your children have a lot more than usual permission to be online.  From schoolwork, to gaming, to zoom chats with relatives, and of course social media, your children are pretty much stuck for more than 8 hours a day online.  Pre Covid-19 you followed professional advice and tried to limit their online lives, encouraging them to socialize In Person with their tribe.  Alas, those days are gone.

Now more than ever, it is critical for you to be having ”the Porn Conversation” with your children.  It is difficult for you to be on top of, or to police, what they are doing and watching online.  I am here to shatter your fantasy about the sexual naivety of your children and bring you the gift of information and tools to help you navigate this vital “porn conversation”.

FACTS:

  • 1/3 of all internet traffic is porn.  In other words, your children are going to come across porn, intentionally or unintentionally.
  • Children of all ages search for porn when they are curious about sex
  • Children age 9 years old are coming across and watching, porn.

HOW TO HAVE “THE PORN CONVERSATION” – YOUR TOOLS:

“Hey, I was recently online and some videos and images popped up that you might have seen too.  When I’m buying something online, some advertisements just come on the screen out of nowhere.  Have you seen them too?”

  • Initiate the conversation.  Your purpose is to help your children make smart and informed decisions about porn.
  • Do not tell them to stop watching – they will continue secretly and develop guilt and shame.
  • Talk about the complexity of sexuality.  How sexuality connects with sensuality, relationships, intimacy, trust, honesty – even with a hookup.
  • Consent is an essential element missing in porn.  Talk consent.
  • Porn does not show people talking about their feelings.  Talk about the diverse feelings one gets in a sexual and intimate encounter.
  • Porn gives unrealistic expectations about how people look and behave sexually.  The body is centralized as the only place for connection and attention.
  • Build your girl child’s self esteem by noticing and voicing her other qualities other than her appearance: her strength, courage, kindness, compassion.
  • Discuss the notion of “pleasure”. This means talking about the clitoris and the importance of equal attention to women’s sexual pleasure as is given to men and their orgasms.
  • Sexting is fun and places your child ad risk for exploitation.  Explain privacy, confidentiality, honoring of one’s body.

WHAT TO SAY:

Here are the main pointers:

→ Porn isn’t real sex. It’s people performing and it’s nothing like real relationships are.

→ It’s not a bad thing that you see these kinds of videos and movies, but I would like you to think about whether you do it because you are interested in it or if it is because your friends send them to you or they pop up on your browser.

→ Do not undress for anyone, with or without a camera, if they are pressuring you, but specifically if there are cameras. Once that image
is sent from phone to phone, it’s impossible to stop it, and it can cause you great distress. You can tell us in case anyone tries to manipulate you into taking pictures of yourself or videos where you show your genitals, including your breasts.

→ Erotic relationships have to be fully consensual, and that means there has to be trust between both people, to treat each other with respect and do the things that you both want to. Bear in mind that, if at any point you feel uncomfortable with what you are doing, you should tell the person you are with and stop. You wouldn’t be “ending” anything because you aren’t looking to achieve an end, but to enjoy with what you are deciding.

And these are some things you definitely SHOULD NOT say:

→ Who showed it to you? Where did you find it? (with an accusatory tone of voice, making them feel it is something bad and they are guilty)

→ Why are you watching it? (with an accusatory tone of voice, making them understand that it is something bad and they are guilty)

→ Porn is bad/evil/manipulative (negativity and trying to make it look dangerous won’t help)

And try and end with some positivity (even if you got to the issue but they refuse to have a conversation on it)

→ You can always talk to me about anything, I’m not going to judge you. Some things might feel shameful, but if they are, talking about them will make the shame disappear! And we will learn by having a conversation and by both contributing with information.

→ There will be things that you like watching… and things you won’t. The good thing is that you know and can decide that if something feels uncomfortable you can just stop watching it.

I have gained this fantastic information from this highly recommended site: http://thepornconversation.org

Feel free to reach out to me via WhatsApp.  Anonymity is guaranteed.  Let me know where your anxieties, fears, and worries sit with you.  Tell me what is soothing for you.  And what you need in this time of radical uncertainty.

060 890 1062

Feel free to book a teletherapy Zoom session with me right here… https://www.dreve.co.za/appointment/

For more information please contact my PA Shantel:  shantel@dreve.co.za

Take care

Marlene #stayhome