Hello to you in 2019!
I am well lit with the magic I am planning for myself in 2019. I invite you to join me as I explore new ideas on healthy, tech intimacy driven sexuality and relationships that are the future of sex.
However before we move into the future we must linger in the present. Im inviting you to begin your year with a basic question I have for you : how well do you know your partner?
These past few Festive Season weeks you’ve probably spent a substantial amount of time in your partner’s company . I wonder if you stopped distractions of alcohol, friends, children and family long enough to stare in wonder at this person , your person , and say to yourself : Who are you ?
Perhaps you felt a kick in the guts seeing and feeling the strangeness of this person whom you think you know so well. Or conversely , a glow of warmth in your heart as you realise how well you know this person and how well he/she/they know you.
Usually infidelity forces people into raw hurtful and necessary honesty . Seeing these new unfaithful parts of a beloved partner gets you to ask the vital questions that should be asked throughout a relationship: “is red still your favourite colour?” “Is Miriam still your best friend ?” “Do you still miss your dead brother?”
I dare you to fill in this Quiz. It was designed by Dr John Gottman , based on years of research with couples. You may wonder why these kinds of questions are important. What Gottman found was that one of the most important components of a successful relationship is the quality of friendship between partners. Sex may be fun but friendship is the cornerstone of a significant relationship.
And to become friends requires knowing your partner’s likes, dislikes, needs, desires, beliefs, fears, and life dreams.
Gottman created The Sound Relationship House. He describes 7 principles for making marriage work. Each level is connected to the next level and they are contained and held in place by TRUST on one side and COMMITMENT on the other side. Im just focusing on the first level, namely BUILD LOVE MAPS. Simply this means knowing the little things about your partner’s life and it creates a strong foundation for your friendship and intimacy.
Think about your first meeting or date with a person . If it is In Real Life, you eye gaze each other, check each other out physically. If it is online , you ask for more and more photos. And then automatically your brain moves into gathering and storing cognitive information about this person’s life . You ask questions..
If you dont start off with a deep knowledge of each other, its easy for your relationship to be set aside like a pot plant in a corner somewhere so that when difficult arises either in your own life or as a couple, that pot plant has died… or run off with another handsome plant.
Emotionally intelligent couples, couples most likely to succeed, are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. And thus better able to manage conflict and stressful life events. I ask you : do you remember what your partner was wearing when you first laid eyes on her/him/they ? Seems like couples who remember this detail have less chance of divorce.. go figure– its all about knowing your partner well, remembering and honouring this knowledge.
The trick is once you settle into the relationship, are you keeping your love map of each other updated?? Which brings me full circle back to :How well at this time , do you know your partner?? Facts and feelings change and if you don’t keep up with these changes you are vulnerable to infidelity as you loose connection with each other.
Do you know your current partner’s :
If you feel you don’t know your partner that well. that you never built a strong Love Map foundation , start creating one right now :
- Name my two closest friends.
- What was I wearing when we first met?
- Name one of my hobbies.
- What stresses am I facing right now?
- Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.
- What is my fondest unrealized dream?
- What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
- What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
- What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?
- What is my favorite getaway place?
- What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?
- What are some of my favorite ways to work out?
- Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”
- What would I consider my ideal job?
- What medical problems do I worry about?
- What was my most embarrassing moment?
- Name one of my favorite novels/movies.
- What is my favorite restaurant?
Perhaps you have been hurt by a partner who took your Love Map information and used it against you. Maybe You feel too vulnerable or traumatised to trust a current or new partner with your Love Map information . Or you may be a person who shares way too much unfiltered Love Map information too quickly with someone new.
Check into your gut and if it becomes inflamed , be weary of sharing Love Map info gushingly. You need to feel safe emotionally and physically before you take that first most vital step into the Sound Relationship House.
And if he /she/they never ask, never show interest in gathering this vital cognitive information about you and your world, dump them. I just did !
For more information on Love Maps, consult me.