Bad Sex and the Orgasm Gap

Im trying to remember the first time I became aware of having Bad Sex.
Was it the time I found myself lying underneath a man who was thrusting and thrusting .. and thrusting.. in silence as he was so focused on his own male pleasure and ego that his need  to delay  ejaculation overtook any consideration for the person he was penetrating?
Perhaps it was the time after I gave a significant partner a tutorial on the clitoral complex (I promise I was not ” Dr Eve the expert” , rather “the woman ” 🙂 , and after a number of reminders, he still  ignored that vital orgasmic  body part. I threw my hands up in the air , exasperated and said “Im not settling for bad sex. Im ending the relationship”. Of course, he never listened generally , however  the bad sex was the deal breaker.
I was left feeling humiliated,  and self disgust for tolerating bad sex.
I invite you to share whether you have ever felt that way during, before or after a sexual encounter
It could have been a consensual hook up that you laughed about at the time – and afterwards felt self hating and deprecated. It could be your sexual life with your regular partner. Or .maybe you have felt betrayed by a male friend who ended up trying to seduce you after a few drinks.
 I ask you : Have you felt as if you have let yourself down for tolerating bad sex, sex that is unsatisfying , not only because you have not become orgasmic, but because the man appears oblivious of your needs and the impact on you ?
Bad sex happens when you feel emotionally manipulated into it, or when it really is unintentional. You know, the guy is sweet and has good intentions,  and exerts his masculinity like his penis, into you, blinded by your presence as person ,as woman, as  an equal sexual person.
It is common and it is harmful. It eats away at your self esteem and sexual pride. Its basically  a waste of time, right ?!
Do share what you do in those situations. Lie , tell him you’re done and he can cum? Tell yourself it doesn’t matter , wait till he falls asleep and masturbate , or get online and chat with your cyber lover?
In the 1960’s the oral contraceptive and the sexual revolution gave women freedom and permission to have sex, as much as they wanted. Yet it did not give us the cultural nor social courage to not want  sex, to not have sex and to disallow bad sex from our lives.
 Since 1994 and we gained sexual freedom from harmful Apartheid sex laws, every woman’s magazine  told  women they  need  to  take charge of their  sexuality in the bedroom . They gave us 10 easy steps to  let a partner know our needs, to be confident in our bodies and , do mind blowing blow jobs. Dammit , we expected to have  GOOD sex!
What they forgot to tell us is that in bed it continues to be a man’s world, no matter how informed and empowered women became.  We were not taught how to manage this conversation so as to avoid bad sex , to say “no thanks” to bad sex even if it is because he is a terribly unskilled ignorant lover, or just  sex that doesn’t serve you.
In 2018 I became fascinated with the concept of Bad Sex after Aziz Ansari was accused of this behaviour. It resonated with me: women who consent to the date, the hook up, the regular marital sex and once in it, feel distinct discomfort, feel unheard, feel as if there is a disconnect. The sex feels repulsive . In that moment it becomes a  cis man’s world with the cis  woman literally on her knees or her back , with little agency to get out right there and then.
We cannot simply accept the on going narrative that women don’t enjoy sex. Women don’t enjoy BAD SEX. Women enjoy GOOD SEX , sex that allows you to rid yourself of sexual shame, own your desire without fear of being slut shamed, and push your clitoris into his/her/they face and say : I want some attention ! Without fear of his violence, sulking, saying “Sort yourself out, Im tired ” . its a mans world and he gets to sleep on the job.
Women want orgasms. Just like men, they too want the explosion , the motivator of all sexual desire.
But there is a profound gap .its called the Orgasm Gap. 

“The number-one reason for the orgasm gap — and it’s not the only one — is our cultural ignorance of the clitoris,”

Laurie Mintz, author of the book “Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters — And How to Get It,” was a fabulous presenter at the recent SSTAR meeting I attended in Toronto. We jaded sex therapists and researchers hung on to her every word as she told us her orgasm gap  research findings.

According to a 2016 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior that looked at over 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — 95 percent of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared to 65 percent of heterosexual women, who were the least likely.

Orgasm facts from Laurie :

  • When alone , women orgasm
  • Women are  more likely to orgasm with another woman
  • 99% of  women stimulate their clitoris either alone or with a partner
  • The way women stimulate themselves does not resemble penetration at all
  • Almost 70% of women report faking orgasm
  • They do it to  avoid appearing “Abnormal”
  • Cultural imagery is part of the problem : porn show women having orgasms from penetration alone
  •  15-18% of women say can orgasm with penetration alone
  • 19% rarely if ever orgasm with a partner
  • 4% orgasm from penetration alone
  • 43% orgasm with intercourse plus clitoral stimulation
  • 34% orgasm with direct stimulation alone when with partner
  • 96% of women need clitoral stimulation
  • Average time of foreplay before penetration, with no added lubrication , is 5 minutes.
There really is no need to wonder why women have headaches, cheat, and buy sex toys. they are simply having terribly Bad Sex.
Contact me for more information about Bad Sex

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