What do you do post coital? 

Place yourself into this scenario. The penetration has happened. He has had an orgasm, She may be one of the 15% of women who reliably orgasm through only vaginal penetration . Or more likely she is  one of the 65% of women who orgasm , primarily  through  clitoral stimulation . What happens now? What do you do now? What does your partner  do now?

It depends on so many variables, doesn’t it  ?! As a man,  being  sexually functional or dysfunctional  is the number one variable that  dictates a lot of your post orgasm behaviour.

If you were able to attain and maintain an erection throughout the experience, and if you were able to ejaculate at a time that felt satisfying for you and for a partner,  post orgasm relief may flood your brain and  body.  You may linger, cuddle and chat. The converse is true: if there was any perceived “failure” , you probably turn your back in shame or embarrassment and long for sleep to remove you from  terrible and horrible feelings.

As a woman, if you felt you had good satisfying sex, you will be more likely to want more– and more.  . More sex, and  more chatting. However if you feel  as if you’ve failed as you have not had an orgasm , or had  a clitoral orgasm but not the “real deal,” vaginal orgasm, you too will feel like a failure and curl up in a womb like position and wait for sleep to happen. Or for him/her to fall asleep so you can reach for your vibrator to complete what he/she did not do. Or for your mobile device to chat online with a lover who will provide you with the arousal your body and mind requires .

Unfortunately both people feel responsible for the pleasure of the other. This   makes the notion  of post orgasmic bliss a mere fairytale. And instead of deep connection , two people can feel the deepest disconnect at paradoxically the most naked and raw moment of encounter two humans can experience.

It is said that the time just  after sexual play is an important time for bonding and intimacy.  And it is. It has the potential for such deep connection . It also highlights the silence that exists in your relationship.

In my therapy room , couples are surprised when I routinely ask :  Who decides when the sex is over?   What happens after  that? Couples who have been together  a while, establish rituals, and sadly never change them. I say sadly, as it may be a lost opportunity to safely express desire for something else, for raising personal  thoughts, and  couple  issues that are usually avoided.

Too many women, raised in a culture that offers  “feminine hygiene” products in stores, believe that they are “dirty”  post sex. As he ejaculates, she jumps up to wash herself clean. She may also go to the bathroom to shed tears for non consensual sex she just survived, Or enduring “bad sex” that left her feeling regretful and emotionally dirty.

People who are hooking up can feel a little lost as to what follows post orgasm.

I turned to see what science tells us about post coital behaviour. The  few studies that do exist studies suggest that the period after sex is a critical time for promoting satisfaction in intimate bonds.

Research examined the role of post sex affection in promoting sexual and relationship satisfaction in ongoing romantic partnerships.They wanted to see if the duration and quality of post sex affection promotes satisfaction in the relationship . They tested if there was a link between post sex behaviour, namely  cuddling, caressing, shared intimacy , and higher sexual &  relationship satisfaction. Turns out that the longer  both men and women  linger in high quality  post sex intimacy , the higher they both rate  relationship and sexual satisfaction .

Then there is research on the impact of hormones on people’s post coital behavior. Men are washed with a cocktail of hormones that makes them sleepy. I always urge people to allow a man a few minutes of disconnect  post ejaculation ,  I always remind men that when they recover from their  little slumber, they need to be present with their partner again . A woman physiologically is multiply orgasmic and may want more sexual pleasure- even if he is just to lie next to her and cuddle and caress  as she pleasures herself or he can participate by  using a sex toy. Being attentive to this is vital for her sexual and relationship satisfaction .

Women  get flooded with oxytocin, the cuddle hormone,  and vasopressin the bonding hormone, which leads them to want pillow talking and , caressing ,  In studies done , women initiated more kissing after sex; men initiated more kissing before sex. After sex, men opted for activities like eating, smoking, fixing a drink, and trying to have more sex.

It seems that women who do have orgasms tend to talk more intimately with their partners. They reveal deeper and more personal information about themselves.
What do you do and say post coital?
* play with your  mobile
* smoke
* drink /eat
*shower
* wash off
* pee
* fall asleep
* get up and leave
* linger in pillow talk
* turn towards each other
*turn away from each other
*seek out more sex

A guideline to   Post-sex etiquette:

1. When the climax is reached and ended, do not rush to do anything but stay close to your partner.

2. Dispose of the condom correctly. Remove it graciously , tie off the top ,  wrap in tissue paper and dispose of it in the dustbin.

2. You can  mention how much you enjoyed what was done, and how good you now feel. Even if it’s necessary, wait a few moments before leaving the bed for the bathroom.

3. Maintain body contact.

4. Enjoy more intimacy by embracing your partner and give (and receive) more mutual caresses.

5. Don’t immediately check your mobile phone for messages  or texts or missed calls.

6. Keep a towel handy for clean up and wet spots. Alcohol free baby wipes do a neat job .

7. Crucial to pee afterwards to prevent bacteria hanging around inside the penis or vagina which can lead to urinary tract infections.

8. Wash your toys in warm soapy water and store in a  cool place

9. Hook ups  need to know that it is rude to immediately get up and go. Linger a little and then go.
10. Post coital is not a good time for hook ups  to discuss commitment or lack thereof.
11. Yes  after  mutual hook up, the after sex call  or whatsapp is  necessary
12. No this is not a good time for interrogation into her/his past sexual activity
13. No never ask her :”did you come?” .
14. No never tell him : “I wish your erection was harder/I wish you lasted longer “.
for more information on Post Coital Behaviour, contact me. 

 

 

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