Cast your mind back to your first kiss with a new person.
In a consensual situation, it happens as emotional intimacy progresses. That can be within hours, weeks or months, of first connecting with someone. It is stereotyped as an universal expression of romantic love. Or lust. That first lip to lip contact may have been short or prolonged , expected or unexpected , wanted or unwanted. It is the soft sex activity that we see in movies and TV series – and the activity that we never see in porn . It is deemed to be romantic and sexy. Usually it is our first taste of, the initial physical contact with a person It is the expected juicy precursor to what is to come next.
Perhaps you are one of the 10% of people who just never kiss at all. Not everyone likes to kiss or be kissed . #respect #nojudgment. It is after all way more intimate , up close and personal , than lying back and being penetrated.
I so enjoy watching couples talk about their first kiss experiences. Their eyes glaze over , they actually look at and lean in towards each other, as they describe in detail the place & time at which this first kiss happened. For couples bound by religious constraints , kissing is all that is acceptable so it becomes the primary and only sexual activity that they allow themselves. Years of only delicious kissing follow.
Sadly for most couples I see, this kissing stops after the penetration begins. Shyly, many state that they long for the kissing again .It seems awkward and even too intimate to go back to kissing after years of neglect or avoidance of this mouth -to-mouth , tongue-to- tongue intimacy.
It’s kind of crazy that the kissing stops as it releases feel good brain hormones that make you feel a level fo attachment to this person , and mostly, if done with good motivation , it gets her juices flowing and his erection rigid. Ask anyone who kisses her/his prince /princess and they will not complain about low arousal, wetness or erection failure, unless illness , medication and a myriad of other biopsychosocial relational factors inhibit their sexual response cycle.
We kiss for a variety of reasons. Ask Cher, she got it right when she sang “Its in his Kiss”We kiss to evaluate a potential mate’s suitability. to feel attached to a person, and to get a partner horny and juiced up we you can initiate sexual activity. We also kiss to feel secure and to boost one’s self esteem .
In a study, women stated that the initial kiss was more likely to affect their attraction to a potential mate than did men, Female participants said they were less likely to have sex with someone without kissing first. They also reported that how well someone kisses can make or break their partner’s chances of getting to third base. In other words, you need to take this kissing story seriously as a relationship can be made or broken by that first kiss.
I ask you : How important is kissing to you?
Why do you kiss?
When do you kiss?
- only during love making
- after ,love making
- before love making
- any old time we feel like it
- never during love making
Do you enjoy kissing?
Do you enjoy kissing differently with your partner and with your lover?
If you in other relationship structures, (hook ups. friends with benefits) do you kiss?
What feelings are triggered in you with kissing?
Is your kissing frequency related to your relationship satisfaction ?
Ashley E. Thompson et al thought kissing so important that they conducted research into why people kiss. They developed and validated a scale measuring romantic kissing motives, called the YKiss?Scale and the gender differences in these motives.
They divided motives into 2 sub scales : the Sexual/Relational Motives Subscale, which included items related to arousal, love, attraction, and relational scripts; and the Goal Attainment/Insecurity Motives Subscale, which consisted of items pertaining to attaining resources, using kissing as a means, and boosting one’s self-esteem.
Participants reported kissing for sexual/relational motives more frequently than goal attainment/insecurity motives. Men reported goal attainment/insecurity motives more frequently than did women.Men reported kissing “to get a favour from someone ” “or to “get out of something ” Women seemed to engage in romantic kissing in response to men’s overtures.
The YKissScale? produced 42 different reason why people romantically kiss, represented by the two factors, namely sexual/relational motives and goal attainment/insecurity motives. Using the YKissScale? .I invite you to consider and tick off your kissing motives . Perhaps you will be surprised by your responses :
Sexual/relational motives :
I wanted to show my affection to the person
I wanted to express my love for the person
It feels good
It is fun
I wanted to feel connected to the person
The person was attractive
I wanted to increase the emotional bond
The person’s physical appearance turned me on
The opportunity presented .itself
I wanted to initiate other sexual behaviours
I wanted to set the mood
I wanted to say “Ive missed you”
I wanted to become aroused
I was “horny”
I wanted to life the person’s spirits
I wanted the experience
I wanted to feel attractive
I wanted the person to love me
I saw the person naked and could not resist.
Goal Attainment/insecurity motives :
I wanted attention
I wanted to feel better about myself
I felt obligated
I wanted to feel powerful
I was curious about my kissing abilities
I wanted to see if person was boyfriend/girlfriend material
I wanted the person to stop bugging me
I wanted to get out of something
I was on the “rebound” from another relationship
I wanted a favor
I was pressured
I felt guilty
I wanted to enhance my reputation
I was mad at the person so I kissed someone else
I wanted to get even
I wanted to make someone jealous I wanted to be popular
I was competing with someone to “get” the person
I wanted to punish myself
I wanted a raise/promotion
I wanted to defy my parent
I was offered money
I wanted to hurt /humiliate someone
Now that you know more about your kissing motivations, I recommend that you open up this discussion with a partner/s. Consider what inhibits you about kissing , what excites you . From poor oral hygiene, to lousy kissing technique, find a respectful manner to discuss your kissing needs. As you see, kissing can enhance or crush relationship satisfaction .
And for sure, this heightens your vulnerability to seek out another frog to kiss.
Contact me for more information about Kissing.